MANLAND: Citizenship.

Just as a few fortunate vacationers will be privileged enough to see the elusive Loch Ness Monster while in Scotland, it is a rare but celebrated occasion when a Woman is invited to apply for citizenship in Manland. Congratulations female, you have assimilated yourself into one of the most evanescent cultures on the planet. But, (and there is always a but..), Man does not hand out an application for citizenship without an extensive background check. After all, he is about to forsake the purchase of a sports car to buy you that overpriced Tiffany's platinum princess cut 1.5 carat solitaire (hint, hint to my future monogynist!). 

And so comes the Manland Naturalization Test - a clever system of investigative tactics man uses to see if you can, in fact, be incorporated into his society. This system of checks and balances is made up of a series of extensive oral exams (no, not the kind you're thinking) which can be difficult to pass - so if you really want your green card and that diamond - study up!

Oral Exam One

The Considering Popping the Question Pop Quiz

Man says: Would you like to browse through that extremely expensive jewelry store for a second?

Translation: Let's see if I can afford to marry you.

Suggested response: Why don't we go grab some wings and a beer and we can talk about our options.

Why it works: This shows Man that you expect him to demonstrate good taste and get you a really nice ring, but are willing to let him take his time in picking it out.

Man says: Are any of your girlfriends bisexual?

Translation: Are any of your girlfriends willing to have a threesome with us once this thing gets dull?

Suggested response: Some of them are, but only because they haven't figured out how to satisfy a man.

Why it works: This puts an end to Man's stupid little fantasy before it's even formulated, but does so without making you appear susceptible to jealous rages.

Man says: Seems like you're pretty close to your parents, huh?

Translation: What are the chances we'll be high up in their will?

Suggested response: Yes, incredibly close. And they've done so much for me with so little.

Why it works: This throws Man off the inheritance track. The less he knows about what he should stand to gain if you should get eaten by a grizzly bear, the better. Man should be marrying for love, not the house with the pool he might get if your parents kick the bucket.

Man says: Are you good with kids?

Translation: Do you want to have kids?

Suggested response: Any child born into a home with two loving parents will know he/she is loved.

Why it works: This reminds Man that parenting is a two person job.

Man says: I'd only want a prenup if you want a prenup.

Translation: Please, please, please say you want a prenup!

Suggested response: Yeah, it's probably be a good idea to protect that trust fund I have. 

Why it works: This gently reminds Man that he may have more to lost than you!

Man says: Has your mom put on a bit of weight lately?

Translation: Do thunder thighs run in your family?

Suggested response: It's possible. Speaking of which, has your father's forehead expanded?

Why it works: If he wants to comment on every flaw that goes along with the aging process, then so can you!

Man says: How important are anniversaries to you?

Translation: Am I going to have to buy you jewelry every year?

Suggested response: About as important as blow jobs are to you.

Why it works: Man needs to know that marriage is a matter of give and take. You give him a wonderful unwritten experience, and take a Silpada shopping spree.

Man says: I bet there are gonna be nights when I should go out with the guys and give you a break, huh?

Translation: I need to get drunk off my butt at least once a week to escape your presence. 

Suggested response: Absolutely, those are the nights I'll use to hangout with some of my exes. 

Why it works: Man has a bad habit of believing he's the only one in need of a social outlet. He might just rethink that poker night if he realizes your history isn't all that historic.

Oral Exam Two

The Popping the Question Pop Quiz

Man says: Let's go someplace private.

Translation: I might change my mind and need a quick escape route. 

Suggested response: Agreed, and somewhere well-lit so I can see what you have in that little box.

Why it works: Man isn't the only one who might change his mind at the last minute, if that ring isn't big enough, you're not stickin' around!

Man says: You really think that wedding gown looks good on you?

Translation: That dress is wayyyyy too expensive.

Suggested response: This is the only one I would consider wearing, honey.

Why it works: For Woman, her wedding day is the Manland equivalent of seeing the super bowl live. A lifelong dream being realized. So, just as Man wouldn't hesitate to spend more to get those fifty-yardliners, you'll be damned if you skimp on your dress.

Man says: Do you really have to spend so much time planning this wedding?

Translation: Ask me one more question about this stupid wedding and I'm going to kill myself.

Suggested response: You're right, I'll take care of everything. By the way, let's just cuddle on our honeymoon night, I'm going to be really exhausted.

Why it works: If Man doesn't consider the details of the most important day of your life worth discussing, then let Man know you're going to leave everything to chance. 

Oral Exam Three

The Bachelor Party Pop Quiz

Man says: Is it all right if the boys and I hangout for a bit before the wedding tomorrow?

Translation: The boys and I are going to the strip clubs for lap dances. Then we're going to get drunk beyond comprehension, pick a bar fight or seven, and then hire hookers to do unspeakable acts on us.

Suggested response: Sure. I trust you.

Why it works: You are giving Man the space he needs, but reminding him that there are boundaries he needs to respect. 

Man says: Can I borrow some singles for the vending machine?

Translation: I need singles to tip the strippers.

Suggested response: Sure! I'll go with you.

Why it works: Straight and to the point.

Man says: How does my hair look?

Translation: How will other women think my hair looks?

Suggested response: About as good as my boobs look.

Why it works: This reminds Man that you are a hot commodity yourself, and that his opinion isn't the only one that matters. 

Man says: You know I'm not really into these silly bachelor parties at all, right?

Translation: I should get married more often!

Suggested response: Then don't go. I don't want to see you suffer unnecessarily, dear.

Why it works: Man needs to learn to be true to his word. And his marriage vows.

Man says: You believe me when I say I'm only going to have one beer, right?

Translation: I am going to have one beer...after those fourteen shots of tequila.

Suggested response: Just as much as you believe me when I say I'm on the pill.

Why it works: The more Man knows you will match his little games point for point, the less likely he is to cheat.

The Man Vows

Before these witnesses (most of whom I have never met), I vow to love you and care for you (unless you are puking, because that's just gross), as long as we both shall live (until you die or I get bored). I promise to help you when you need help (as long as you don't need help during baseball, football, hockey, or basketball season), and likewise, I promise to turn to you when I need help (like getting dressed in the morning because I still don't get the whole color coordination thing). I choose you as the person with which I will spend the rest of my God-given life (and if you end up getting fat or hairy in certain places, I hope that life is a short one). With this ring (that cost way too much), I thee wed.

The Woman Vows (This is your part, ditz!)

Before these witnesses (most of whom are my guests because I have way more friends than you do), I vow to love and care for you (unless you have erectile dysfunction), as long as we both shall live (until you die or I get bored). I promise to help you when you need help (as long as you put the dishes in the dishwasher and walk the dog when it's cold), and likewise, I promise to turn to you when I need help (touching up my roots). I choose you as the person with which I will spend the rest of my God-given life (and if you end up getting fat or going bald, I hope that life is a short one). With this ring (that isn't at all what I wanted), I thee wed.

Congratulations. And welcome to Manland.

Marriage is an Institution! ..Yeah, so was Alcatraz.

Michael Jordan's baseball career #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

Taylor Swift's acceptance speech before Kanye interrupted her #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

BlackBerry battery life #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

The pause Dora makes after she asks you a question #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

Voldemort's nose #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

The hashtag #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

The E! special about her marriage #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

How long the Vikings stay ahead in a game #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

The sleeves on beaters #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

Lindsay Lohan's line of coke #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

Mariah Carey's high note #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

A yellow light #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

Ronnie and Sam's relationship #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

How long my gum keeps it's flavor #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

My morning shower #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

An episode of Phineas and Ferb #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

Ellen Degeneres' cock #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

Charles Barkley's golf swing #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

The gap in Michael Stwayhan's teef #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

Kalae Loudenslager's last name #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

My commute to/from work #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

Harrison's presidency #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

Britney's first marriage #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

The month of February #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

Lightening bolt #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

Make a bowl of cereal #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

Rebecca Black's career #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

How long Richard Simmons was in the closet #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

A new year's resolution #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

A chode #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

Lil Kim's legs #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

Mini-Me #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

P90X #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

..Everything? #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

*Note: These are not all my own, most of them are on twitter, just thought I'd help spread the laughter :)

MANLAND: Extending Your Stay

So you've toured all the sights, experienced Manland's cuisine, and even gotten to know the locals (some biblically). You've had your fill and cannot wait to get home! To clean, organized, febreeze-smelling, home! But oddly, as your trip draws to a close, you feel a lump in your throat, a skip in your heartbeat, a twitch in your nether regions... You chicky, have fallen in love!

Yes, despite Man's outlandish behavior, customs, rituals, belief systems, you want nothing more than to see this Man more. Date him. Well, this is really romantic, sweet cheeks, but there are a few things you should know before you postpone that flight back to the old country. Man tends to become quite a different person once Woman has infiltrated his world - he gains weight, demonstrates particularly offensive habits that weren't apparent a few days ago, and communicates in yet another series of Manspeak designed to confuse the heck out of you.

Not-Quite-Boyfriend Manspeak

Man says: My bed's too small to sleep two comfortably.

Translation: You know the rules: We have sex and you go home.

Man says: I don't want to get you sick.

Translation: I have another chick coming over in five minutes, so skidaddle!

Man says: Vacation? How about we just go somewhere for the day?

Translation: I can only handle you in small doses.

Man says: I'd love to meet your parents sometime!

Translation: I'm going to keep saying this until we break up or they die.

Man says: I'd let you drive, but my car's been making a funny noise.

Translation: You are NEVER going to get behind the wheel of my car.

Man says: I can't afford call waiting.

Translation: If I get call waiting, you'll ALWAYS be able to get a hold of me.

Man says: Want to stay at your place tonight?

Translation: I need to be able to leave when I want.

Man says: I don't think I'm going to be able to make it to your friend's wedding on Saturday.

Translation: I don't want you getting any ideas.

Man says: Hey, I'm just calling to tell you that you left your bobby pin at my place. 

Translation: I miss you. (And I'm saving the other eleventy-two of them you left here for the next time I miss you but am too cool to admit it.)

Man says: Sorry, my medicine cabinet is really packed.

Translation: You are SO not leaving your toothbrush here.

Man says: Wow, you sure have a lot of stuff in that purse.

Translation: Good God, she packed enough stuff to stay for the next week.

Man says: My parents are dead.

Translation: My parents are alive and well and living in Wisconsin, but you're never going to meet them.

Break-Up Manspeak

Man says: We need to talk.

Translation: I need to talk and you need to listen.

Man says: It's not you, it's me.

Translation: Its you, not me.

Man says: There's no one else.

Translation: There's someone else.

Man says: I'm just not ready to commit.

Translation: Sex is getting boring.

Man says: You deserve better.

Translation: You deserve stronger-strength Midol.

Man says: I hate to do this so close to your birthday.

Translation: This is saving me soooooooooo much money.

Man says: I need to find myself.

Translation: I need to find myself naked with another woman.

Man says: I hope we can still be friends.

Translation: I have no intention of ever speaking to you again, but if I run into you I don't want you to slap me or pour your drink on me.

Man says: Call me if you need anything.

Translation: I'll be screening my calls.

MANLAND: Dress Code

Shopping

They say clothing makes the Man. Ahhh, but makes him what? Don't rush into buying your Manland souvenir - do some window shopping before you commit. The external appearance of a product can tell you a lot about what's inside. Take note of Man's wardrobe - particular items of clothing signify particular personality types. 

Standard white button-up, blue tie, pleated slacks

This Man is successful in his business and has a job that provides great medical benefits, a promising stock portfolio, and access to powerful computer software. Sounds nice, but be forewarned - his preferred form of communication is sending you typo-filled text messages from his BlueBerry.

Tattered (I mean, destroyed) jeans and a Metallica T-shirt

This Man is a fun-loving nostalgic who lives life to the fullest and does not leave the house without hairspray. He sports an "f-you" attitude to anything he percieves as "the establishment". He is also half deaf and likely to make you listen to him play "Enter Sandman" on his guitar day in and day out.

Wrangler jeans, cowboy shirt, cowboy boots, cowboy hat (wooooof!)

This Man is a hard working cowboy with a chiseled body and unwavering respect for his forefathers. He can get you free Grade A beef anytime you want. Unfortunately, sometimes he gets a little lonely and slips some of his own "grade A beef" to the sheep. 

Black pants, black coat, black Pilgrim hat

This Man is Amish. Sweet, honest, God-fearing, and can churn his own butter. Downside is that you'd better get used to being late beings he drives a horse and buggy.

Plaid pants hiked up above the naval, button-down three-quarter-sleeve shirt, thick rimmed black glasses, pocket protector

This Man is a geek. He can fix any computer problem you have and recite the entire Encyclopedia Brittanica verbatim. This Man does not have much experience with the female gender. Teaching him how to please a woman, both socially and physically, could take years.

Bermuda shorts, hawaiian shirt, flip flops, Rayban sunglasses

This Man is a laid back surfer dude that considers waking up by noon "being responsible". He will introduce you to the basics of Buddhism to help you find your inner peace, but it's worth noting that he is probably helping a lot of women find their "inner peace". 

Designer tuxedo

This Man is a movie star. He plays poker with the likes of George Clooney and can fly you to Rome for dinner on his private jet. He can pamper you in his mansion and introduce you to all his famous friends. Perfect, right? Except you'll always wonder if that's his real nose.

Go green t-shirt, shorts made of recycled Charmin, and Birkenstocks

This Man is an environmentalist who wants to make the world a better place. Unfortunately for you, he will think nothing of dragging you to a third world country to build irrigation ditches and live in a straw hut with tribespeople who have giant elephant tusks rammed through their nose.

Pants hanging below the buttocks, Shaquille O'Neil jersey, 120 pounds of "bling" draped around the neck, impressive weapons arsenol hidden in the extra 20 yards of fabric on the legs of his jeans, Spankin' new Nike High Tops

Nuff said. Run for the wind. 

Internet Shopping

Nowadays, thanks to the internet (that means you, Al Gore!), a tourist can also browse online for a Manland soulmate. But beware, window shopping in Manland cyberspace can be dangerous. Man likes to take advantage of the anonymity the internet provides to exaggerate the truth, or, fabricate it entirely. Clues to Man's genuine character are hidden in every self-promoting declaration he makes in cyberspace.

Man claims: My name is John.

Translation: My name is Hubert.

Man claims: I look for honesty, intelligence, and wit in a woman.

Translation: I look for big boobs, a tight butt, and rich parents in a woman.

Man claims: I'm a concert pianist.

Translation: I can play chopsticks.

Man claims: I'm successful.

Translation: I'm successful at flipping burgers at McDonald's. 

Man claims: I love kids.

Translation: I love kids for 5 minute intervals, if an only if, they're not mine (or yours). 

Man claims: I'm looking to settle down.

Translation: I might get terminally ill and need someone around to change my bedpan.

Man claims: I'm sensitive. 

Translation: I can fake cry.

Man claims: I'm a republican.

Translation: I'm a giant turd.

Man claims: I'm a democrat.

Translation: I'm a douche sandwich.

Man claims: I'm a Liberal Republican.

Translation: I'm a giant gay turd.

Man claims: Jesus is my guide.

Translation: I went to Bible camp when I was growing up and the girls were hot so I kept going back.

Man claims: I'm a doctor.

Translation: I watch Grey's Anatomy.

Man claims: I'm recently single.

Translation: I've been single so long my genitals are starting to grow cobwebs.

Man claims: This is the first time I've tried online dating.

Translation: I've been doing this crap since I got addicted to MSN Whisper in the 7th grade.

Man claims: I'm a bit of a loner. 

Translation: I'm a serial killer.

Man claims: I like women who are into sports.

Translation: I don't like fat women.

Man claims: I like a woman who does yoga. 

Translation: I like a woman who can hold her ankles behind her ears.

Man claims: I'm in great shape.

Translation: I have all my appendages.

Man claims: I'm tall, dark, and handsome.

Translation: I'm 5'2", albino, and have a great radio face.

Man claims: I've got some really major business deals on the horizon.

Translation: I'm selling all my used DVD's on ebay.

Man claims: I've been traveling a lot lately.

Translation: I just escaped from prison. (And my name is Anthony, Casey Anthony)

Man claims: People tell me I look like a cross between Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp.

Translation: I have hair and eyes.

Pickup Lines

If online shopping isn't your cup of tea, there are a variety of products at the Manland bar. This is where Manland citizens of all shapes and sizes come to make flagrant and pathetic attempts to get laid. A woman in Manland may as well slather herself in chum and dive into shark-infested waters. If you are at a Manland bar, you are inevitably the target of every jackass in the room. Man will slither up to you as you sit perched on your bar stool and strike up a conversation. And here is born, Bar Manspeak:

Man says, or slurs as the case may be: Hi.

Translation: I want to have sex.

Man says/slurs: How are you?

Translation: I still want to have sex.

Man says/slurs: Is this seat taken?

Translation: I'm going to sit here either way.

Man says/slurs: Can I buy you a drink?

Translation: The more drunk you are, the easier this will be.

Man says/slurs: Do you live around here?

Translation: Sex on a bed would be so much better than in that bathroom stall over there, no?

Man says/slurs: You have beautiful eyes.

Translation: You have beautiful breasts.

Man says/slurs: Let's step outside for a minute.

Translation: I just spotted my ex across the room.

Man says/slurs: You can trust me.

Translation: You can't trust me.

Man says/slurs: I'm not like other guys.

Translation: The only thing distinguishing me from every other doofus in this bar is my social security number.

Man says/slurs: My apartment is being exterminated.

Translation: My girlfriend is home.

Responses to Cheesy Pickup Lines

When you find yourself the victim of unwanted advances from Man, use any of these responses to extricate yourself with immediacy and ease.

Jerk says: Is this seat taken?

You respond: No, and let's keep it that way.

Jerk says: I'll have whatever she's having.

You respond: I'm having a baby, thanks for offering to help out.

Jerk says: What's your sign?

You respond: (hold up your middle finger)

Jerk says: You have beautiful eyes.

You respond: All the better to see that you don't stand a chance in hell.

Jerk says: I want to get to know you better.

You respond: It's good to want things.

Jerk says: That silly thing? Nah, that's not a real wedding ring.

You respond? Funny - that's what your wife just said to that guy over there.

Jerk says: I think we have met somewhere before.

You respond: We have, and you failed miserably that time too.

Jerk says: I've got a hot tub back at my place.

You respond: Good, go drown yourself in it.

MANLAND: The First Date

After searching high and low through Manland's vast market of goods, you have finally found a Man you think might be worth investing in. It is best to spend some quality time with this potential Man companion before you actually purchase him. You can tell a lot about what kind of souvenir Man will make by the Manland destination he chooses for your first date.

Location: The zoo.

What it means: I didn't shower this morning and I'm hoping the monkeys will upstage my own stink.

Location: The beach.

What it means: I really want to see what you look like in a bikini, and my feet need some serious exfoliation. 

Location: The museum.

What it means: I want you to think of me as an intellectual, plus I like the statues of naked women in the "Ancient Athens" section.

Location: The local car show.

What it means: I totally forgot about the car show when I planned our date.

Location: Hiking in the mountains.

What it means: I like nature, and I love how easy it will be to lose you if we don't hit it off.

Location: Bowling.

What it means: I'm determined to stick my fingers in something tonight!

Location: Amusement park.

What it means: Vomit turns me on, and I can't wait to shell out 500 bucks to win you a 3 dollar stuffed animal.

Location: Rock concert.

What it means: I don't know what to talk to you about for three hours. Plus, I really like to get stoned.

Location: Dinner at his parents.

What it means: My parent's think I'm gay, and this will throw the scent off the trail.

Location: Apple picking.

What it means: I secretly despise Eve/Petula and blame your gender for the fall of Man.

Location: Movies.

What it means: If we don't end up making out, then at least I get some popcorn out of the deal.

Location: Ice skating.

What it means: It's romantic, traditional, and I'm a huge Celine Dion fan.

Location: A horror movie.

What it means: I'm hoping you'll be really scared and inadvertently hide your face in my crotch. "Hey, while you're down there..."

Location: A postage stamp expo.

What it means: I am the most boring man alive.

Movie Theater Body Language

1) Seats you both in the back of the theater: Man plans on making a pass at you.

2) Buys a chili dog at the concession stand: Man does not plan on making a pass at you.

3) Gets up repeatedly: That chili dog is not sitting well and Man has diarrhea.

4) Doesn't even stop for the concession stand: Man is poor and you are fat.

5) Yawns dramatically and rests his arm on the back of your chair/"The Move": Man is trying to cop a feel. (Oldest trick in the book but the idiots still do it.)

First Date Restaurants

Once Man has either charmed or horrified you with his first date choice of venue, he will inevitably suggest that you "get somethin' ta eat". Much like the Great White Shark, Man cannot survive more than an hour without shoving something, preferably something with extra cheese, in his pie hole. That being said, you can tell a lot about Man not only by the food he eats, but from the places at which he dines. 

Location: Roadside hot dog stand.

Translation: I am a cheap bastard with a future of gastrointestinal problems to look forward to.

Location: Roadside hot dog stand with picnic tables.

Translation: I am a cheap bastard with a future of gastrointestinal problems to look forward to, but I still want to take the time to get to know you.

Location: Fast food restaurant.

Translation: I want to keep this date short.

Location: Fast food drive through window.

Translation: I want to keep this date REALLY short.

Location: An Olive Garden.

Translation: I'm connected to the Mob, and I really like unlimited salad and breadsticks.

Location: A 4-star restaurant.

Translation: I  want to impress you, but if you order the lobster, don't be surprised if I don't return back after that trip to the restroom.

Location: Picnic at the park.

Translation: I think eating on a blanket with ants crawling all over us is romantic, and I chose a public venue in case you turn out to be a complete psycho.

Location: Cooks for you at his place.

Translation: I am a skilled chef and eating at my place makes it so much easier to get you into my bed.

First Date Manspeak

The difference between that beautiful necklace you brought back from Cabo, and the beautiful Man you are going to bring home from this trip is that the latter talks.

Man says: Sorry I'm late.

Translation: I had to creep your Facebook first to make sure you weren't a complete dog. (See "MANLAND: Manspeak" for definition)

Man says: Allow me..[to pull your chair out for you]

Translation: Let's get a little peekski at that bum.

Man says: Shellfish causes gout.

Translation: Don't you dare order the lobster.

Man says: Huh, funny. There are no prices on the menu.

Translation: F***.

Man says: My last girlfriend was too clingy.

Translation: I cheated on my last girlfriend. (Note: This small two-lined joke holds therein the key to most fights in relationships. Ladies, if he has ever cheated, FUCKING LEAVE!!! Don't stick around you dumb sluz! He. Will. Not. Change. Did you get that? Will not! Don't try to make him - you end up turning into a complete psycho! And also don't freak out at him for watching porn and going to the Northern once in awhile, that's not cheating! (unless you're married, different story) Pick your battles, there's a reason he's paying for that stuff - ever think maybe he just respects you? But what do I know, just my two cents.)

Man says: My hair's so short because I'm in the military.

Translation: I'm going bald.

Man says: I'm all for equal rights for women.

Translation: You're picking up the check, right?

Man says: I don't speak to any of my exes.

Translation: I chopped up all my exes into tiny pieces and hid their remains under the floorboards in my living room.

Man says: I only watch documentaries on television.

Translation: I'm addicted to Jersey Shore.

Man says: I'm straight.

Translation: I'm straight, but I watched Brokeback Mountain and it gave me a tingly sensation in my crotch that made me want to herd sheep in the mountains with a strapping young man that wears tight jeans and a ten-gallon hat. 

Man says: What do you look for in a guy?

Translation: What parts of my personality should I conceal from you?

Man says: I got this scar in a bar fight.

Translation: I got this scar by walking into a door. 

Man says: Let's have dessert.

Translation: You aren't half bad.

Man says: Check please.

Translation: Get me outta here!

Man says: Ahh, here comes the check..  ....

Translation: Let's see if she pulls out her wallet. 

How To Turn Man Off

Not interested? Not a problem! 

1) Shave your pubic hair to resemble the face of his mother.

2) Wear Old Spice.

3) Tell Man you REALLY want a baby.

4) Grow out your armpit hair and stop wearing deodorant.

5) Talk about your feelings.

6) Tell Man you have a headache. (wink, wink)

7) Put a framed photograph of your father in his Marines outfit on your nightstand.

8) Tell Man you're ovulating, allergic to latex, and off of the pill.

End Of Date Manspeak

Man says: We should do this again soon.

Translation: Let's do this tomorrow while I still remember your name. 

Man says: Let me walk you to your door.

Translation: Let me walk you to your bedroom.

Man says: Want to watch a movie?

Translation: I'm sick of talking to you and I'm jonesing for some punanners. 

Man says: Here's my number.

Translation: This is fake and I couldn't be more thrilled that this is over and I never have to hear from you again.

Man says: I'll drive you home, I insist.

Translation: This is a rental car and I want to take advantage of the unlimited miles. 

Man says: Want a piece of gum?

Translation: I'm going to kiss you.

Man says: Can I come in for a second?

Translation: I have to pee like a race horse, and I'll bet your bathroom is cleaner than mine. 

Man says: I had a really good time tonight.

Translation: You're not half as dull as you look!

MANLAND: Mating Rituals

"Don't have sex, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them."

-Steve Martin

If you're not athletic and traveling to the Swiss Alps, you need a patient ski instructor lest you tumble to your death in a blizzard of white powder. You also have special needs while in Manland. And those needs come in the form of a light twitching sensation in your nether regions. This signifies your need to make mad passionate love with one of the locals. But, before exchanging bodily fluids with any of the natives, you have to do some research..

History of Manland Mating Rituals

The continent of Manland lays claim to one of the most plentiful populations in the world, boasting such a high ratio of citizens that it makes China look as vacant as the Bates Hotel in the off season. Manland's inhabitancy rate could not stop multiplying due to Man's ceaseless engagement in coitus. As a result, ancient Man operated on the belief that the way to ensure the staying power of Man's mankind was to constantly stick his hoo-hoo into Woman's hoo-ha. And so he did. And so the population boomed.

Eventually, Manland established their repuation as a world power, and the pressure to procreate was off. With the advent of condoms, the pill, and the vasectomy, Man discovered that coitus served an additional purpose: It felt darn good! Soon, sex in Manland was more for recreational purposes than anything, and that's why the rituals of Manland sex are more difficult for Woman to understand than Einstein's theory of relativity, or the movie "Inception". (The only thing I got out of that movie was the unyielding and resolute need to experience every single solitary sexual encounter known to man with Leonardo DiCaprio.)

Sexual Positions & What They Mean

One of the highlights of a voyage to Manland is to fornicate with a local. It is a badge of honor for a female tourist to come home having taken a pleasurable ride on the Manland train of love. Man uses sex very differently than Woman does. While those of us fortunate enough to be of the female gender tend to draw on sex to express deep feelings of appreciation for another, Man likes to have sex because, well, it feels good and it passes the time. Making sense of sexual positions is a useful tool while moseying about these alien environs in search of a memorable orgasm.

Doggy style/The Bone/The Fido/The Canus Retreat: Man wants to have sex, not necessarily with you.

Missionary/The Poke: Man wants to kiss you, and worries you are heavier than you look. Mark Zuckerberg's position of choice.

You on top/Corkscrew/Cowgirl: Man wants to give you the best orgasm of your life, but wants the option to tweak your nipples incase you take awhile. 

Reverse doggy style with you wearing a strap-on: Man is seriously questioning his sexuality.

You on your back on the kitchen table with your legs on Man's shoulders/The Dinner Bell: Man wants to be able to look in your eyes as he orgasms, then have a snack.

On the floor/The Sweep: Man's sheets are dirty..and now his floor's not.

You bent over Man's office desk/The Overtime: Man is "behind" on work, and has been watching too much Brazzers.

Against the wall, standing up, fully clothed/Custer's last stand: Man is overcome with desire and cannot wait.

Up against the wall/Squished Face: Man is horny and you have bad breath.

Precoital Manspeak

Man Says: Your hair smells terrific.

Translation: Good, she showered.

Man Says: I feel such a connection with you.

Translation: I feel the need to connect my penis with your vagina.

Man Says: I wear size 12 shoes.

Translation: I am hung like a Clydesdale.

Man Says: I haven't been with someone in a long time.

Translation: I haven't been with someone since yesterday.

Man Says: That is a beautiful necklace.

Translation: I can't stop looking at your boobies.

Man Says: Will you hand me that pillow?

Translation: Bonnnerrrrrr.

Man Says: I just want to lie here with you and feel you breathe. 

Translation: It's easier to undo your pants when you're laying horizontally.

Intercoital Manspeak

Man Says: I have carpal tunnel.

Translation: I can't get your bra off for the life of me.

Man Says: I don't really like blow jobs.

Translation: You have shark teeth.

Man Says: Excuse me for a minute.

Translation: Where did I put that pump thing I ordered online?

Man Says: Turn off the lights.

Translation: I have a hairy mole on my back I don't want you to see.

Man Says: Does this feel good?

Translation: Make some noise, woman!

Man Says: I like making love in the quiet of the night.

Translation: Shut the f*** up!

Man Says: I love you so much.

Translation: Omg, please swallow...please swallow.

Man Says: How do you feel about the national economy?

Translation: I'm going to come if I don't think about something else.

Man Says: Yes, yes, yes!

Translation: Yes, yes, yes!

Postcoital Manspeak

Man Says: That was amazing.

Translation: I was amazing.

Man Says: How do you feel about abortion?

Translation: Rubber broke.

Man Says: I have to work early in the morning.

Translation: You look like I need a drink.

Man Says: It's dangerous for a woman to overexert herself.

Translation: You've got to be kidding me, that's all I've got!

Man Says: That was incredible.

Translation: Anything I can stick my penis in is incredible.

Man Says: I'll call you.

Translation: I'll call you if I test positive for anything. 

MANLAND: Manspeak

More difficult to translate than Swahili. More impossible to understand than Mandarin Chinese. Manspeak...the language of Manland. Our inability to make sense of the muckety-muck that is Man's self-expression has launched opposing genders into myriad screaming matches in public, and been the cause of many an unnecessary  breakup. Not to mention a violent homicide or seven. These tips will teach you how to translate the most complex of Manspeak phrases into something sensible and intelligent, or in other words, Womanspeak.

Pronunciation
A = "Yay! Baywatch is on syndication!"
A = "Wanna smell my fart?"
A = "Hey, wanna pick up the tab?"
Au = "I like my muffler loud."
B = "Can I touch your butt?"
Ch = "Wow, that's a long hair on your chin."
D = "Are you, by chance, a 34DD?"
E = "I lost to my girlfriend in a bet."
F = "Mother f---er!"
G = "That chili dog gave me gas."
H = "You're a ho."
I = "I am all that is man."
Ji = "Gee, I dunno."
K = "Ick, I wish you had shaved."
L = "I love you...like a sister."
M = "I want my mommy."
N = "No doesn't really mean no, right?"
OO = "Can I touch your boob?"
O = "Oh, I've got a boner."
P = "I like to pee on white snow."
Q = "My q-tip is stuck in my ear."
R = "I have a rash on my genitals."
S = "Shhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"
Th = "You've got a nice ath" (Man has a lisp)
U = "Take off your underwear."
V = "Are you a virgin?"
W = "Wow, are those things real?"
Y = "I'm horny."
Z = "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.."

Dictionary
Ambition: Getting off the couch.
Anniversary: Oh shit..
Argument: To sit silently on the couch while Woman flaps her arms around in the air like a chicken , screaming and shouting her head off until the neighbors call the cops.
Attention Deficit Disorder: A pseudoclinical excuse for Man to not pay attention.
Be home soon: To be home within the next forty-eight hours.
Be romantic: To not burp or fart.
Beating off: The act of pleasuring oneself. See also: peeling the banana, choking the chicken, playing the skin flute, burping the worm, punchin' the munchkin.
Bro: Not, in fact, a relative, but an affectionate term Man uses for a pal with whom he obsesses over video games with and discusses masturbation, and Jessica Alba's physical attributes.
Cheating: Getting caught.
Clean (adjective): Anything that isn't moldy, toxic, or emitting a rancid smell.
Clean (verb): To wipe down with dirty water.
Clubbin': An activity in which Man dresses up in a ridiculous looking suit, puts on too much cologne, and attempts to dance in hopes of attracting the opposite gender.
Dog: A butt-ugly female.
Dawg: A cool dude.
Diet: Short periods occurring several times a year where Man puts less cheese on his food.
Drive Safely: To operate a motor vehicle with less than 3 beers in one's system.
Dying: To have the sniffles.
Eating out: The act of either performing oral sex on a woman, or calling for a pizza delivery. (Man enjoys both equally)
Foreplay: Anything that delays Man's orgasm.
Get laid: To have sex.
Get laid off: To have sex while unemployed.
Homo: Any other man that dresses well, changes his sheets, and cleans his bathroom on a regular basis.
Kickoff: The moment the world must stop.
Lesbian: Any woman who turns down Man's sexual advances.
Listening to some tunes: Blasting the radio so loud it shakes the walls of the houses in neighboring counties.
Milf: An attractive, older female with kids, whom Man desires to fornicate.
Old: Any female over the age of twenty-two.
Religious experience: Orgasm.
Remember: To forget until the last minute.
Safe sex: Any sexual encounter that doesn't result in a serious groin injury.
Shower: Splashing cologne under one's armpits.
Valentine's Day: Most annoying day of the year.
XXX: Best movies ever.
ZZZZZ: Man is asleep. DO NOT wake him.

Things Woman Must Never Say in Manland
"Who do you think you are!?"
"Your friend is cute."
"You'd never cheat on  me, right?"
"......or else!"
"I want to talk about my feelings."
"This time, I'm really serious."
"Wake up!"
"You should call your mother."
"How many beers have you had?"
"Do you think she's pretty?"
"Does this make me look fat?"
"Am I the best sex you've ever had?"
"Is it always that small?"
"You call that thoughtful?"
"I just want to be friends."
"Maybe you should try that Rogaine stuff?"
"I need you to cancel boys night out."
"It's either THEM or ME. YOU CHOOSE!"

MANLAND: Cultural Notes

"If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion, and avoid the people, you might better stay at home." - James A. Michener

You've heard the saying "When in Rome, do as the Romans do". Well, let's not declare horses as senators or throw Christians to the lions, but it is a good rule of thumb to follow when you're in a new place, so let's acquaint ourselves with male "culture" for our visit to Manland.

Days of the Week:
Monday: Monday night football
Tuesday: 6 days until Monday night football
Wednesday: 5 days until Monday night football
Thursday: 4 days until Monday night football
Friday: 3 days until Monday night football
Saturday: 2 days until Monday night football
Sunday: 1 day until Monday night football

Man's weekly calendar is not to be questioned or revised by tourists in any way, shape, or form.

Months of the Year:
January: The month Man growls at his credit card bill due to the preceding months holiday expenditures.
February: The month Man buys Valentine's Day gifts for you that you can't return because he lost the receipts.
March: The month Man pretends to be Irish so he has an excuse to stumble around drunk off his but for a 24-hour period.
April: The month Man finds, and consumes, all the Easter eggs you hid for the children.
May: The month Man is forced to buy his mother flowers.
June: The month Man buys his father the same tie he's been buying him since he was 6 years old.
July: The month Man inevitably blows off the tip of his finger playing with fireworks.
August: The months Man's armpits stink to high heaven even though he has showered.
September: The month Man begins talking about the Super Bowl.
October: The month Man dresses in a ridiculous costume and begs for candy from strangers.
November: The month Man devotes all of his attention to a turkey dinner and the Dallas Cowboys kickoff schedule. (This is not unlike my personal itinerary of November)
December: The month Man insists on decorating the entire house with bright lights and reindeer statues that are bigger than the neighbor's.

Important Dates in Man's History:
February 6, 1985: Babe Ruth is born.
August 5, 1960: Congress approves the birth control pill.
February 22, 1980: The USA hockey team defeats Soviet Union in the Olympics.
September 1, 1995: The Sony Playstation is released in the U.S.
April 1997: Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee's sex tape is released to the public.
June 28, 1997: Mike Tyson bites Evander Holyfield's ear.
February 1, 2004: Janet Jackson exposes her nipple at Super Bowl XXXVIII
March 2009: Justin Bieber is discovered and is the most adorable thing the media has ever seen and gives Man a run for his money. (Cute, romantic songwriter, perfect hair...yeah if only he had muscles and wasn't a minor..a girl can dream.)

The Four Seasons:
Baseball Season
Hockey Season
Football Season
Basketball Season

Telling Time:
Common dialogue concerning time in Manland, you are likely to hear this is both formal and casual situations.
Woman: "What time is it?"
Man: "I dunno, look at the clock."

Currency:
Fortunately for budget travelers, money is not the preferred currency in Manland. Instead, the citizens of Manland have developed a complex system of exchange in order to better suit the needs of their society. Please see the list below for common bartering details.

What you want: A foot massage
What is costs: A beer in a frosted glass, hand delivered

What you want: Man to take out the trash
What it costs: Flash your boobies once

What you want: Man to take out the trash without complaining
What it costs: Flash your boobies twice

What you want: A full body massage
What it costs: A full hour of complete silence

What you want: Man to load the dishwasher
What it costs: Tickets to a local football came

What you want: Man to drive your mother to the airport
What it costs: Tickets to the super bowl

What you want: Man to cancel poker night
What it costs: Sex with no cuddling afterwards

What you want: Man to watch a chick flick with you
What it costs: A year's subscription to Maxim magazine

What you want: Man to stop acting like an idiot
What it costs: You to stop nagging at him for 5 minutes

What you want: Man to throw out all his porno tapes
What it costs: You to start doing everything the chick in the porno tapes does

What you want: Man to put the toilet seat down
What it costs: You to take up pole dancing

The Metric System:
1 inch = 2.6 man inches (wink, wink)

Manland Cars & What They Mean:
Candy-apple-red-sports-car: "I have a small penis, and an even smaller brain."
Convertible: "I am carefree, and this is totally my own hair."
Hybrid: "I am environmentally aware, and possibly gay."
Minivan: "I have 20 kids and a fat wife."
Chevy with a gun rack: "I am looking to settle down with my cousin and live off the land."
Hummer: "I don't give an ass rats about the environment, and I can't park this thing for the life of me."
Bicycle: "I have no money, but great hamstring muscles."

Occupational Hazards:
Accountant: Not the most exciting of conversationalists, but handy to have around come tax season.
Architect: Detail-oriented, nostalgic, and obsessed with measuring everything.
Attorney: Wealthy, intelligent, and totally impossible to win an argument with.
Ballet Dancer: Incredibly flexible and prone to trying on your clothes when you're not home.
Banker: Always has cash in his wallet, but suffers from an unnatural fear of ski masks.
Dentist: Enjoys causing other people pain, but has made it socially acceptable to wear white after Labor Day.
Flight Attendant: Gay..don't bother.
Interior Decorator: Very popular with flight attendants.
Massage therapist: Very touchy feely, and a borderline male prostitute.
Novelist: A raging alcoholic, but knows what a semicolon is, and importantly, how to use it!
Police officer: Protects and serves, unless there is a glazed pastry around.
Real Estate Agent: Knows all the great neighborhoods, and would sell his mother for a 3 percent commission.
Teacher: Patient, smart, and always has a number 2 pencil on hand.

Manland Sightseeing Itinerary:
The Bathroom:
The Manland bathroom is a scientists wet dream. A bevy of bodily fluid samples, single-cell organisms, and remnants of good-smelling hygiene products all seem to coexist in this petri dish of a locale. The sights and smells emanating from the Manland bathroom are unlike those in any other region of the world.

The Strip-Club:
This is where man enjoys mediocre food, watered-down drinks, bad music, and giant fake breasts. This is where you are most likely to observe Man performing one of the basic male functions: humping. Humping the tables. Humping the waitresses. Humping the stage. Do not be afraid. This is completely normal behavior and in this particular region is encouraged.

The Gym:
This is where Man goes to bulk up, give the appearance of bulking up, or watch members of the opposite sex watch Man bulk up. You will see: Man kissing his biceps, admiring his abs in the mirror, Man sweating all over the equipment and leaving it there in a puddle for the next person to clean up, and lots of growling.

Beverages:
As a general rule of thumb, Man will suck down any beverage that contains alcohol, caffeine, or sugar.

Eating Out (go ahead, laugh, it's funny):
When dining out with Man you must:
1. Talk with your mouth full.
2. Shovel more food into your mouth before you are finished chewing what's already in there.
3. Do not use the utensils provided by your server. Man was born with built-in utensils: thumb, pointer finger, middle finger.
4. Avoid any food that is certified organic or anything found in nature. If you must eat something healthy, slather it in some kind of fatty sauce, Man's topping of choice is Cheez Whiz.
5. Burp in between every course.

Tomorrow, we will decode MANSPEAK: The language of MANLAND. Stay tuned - this will be fun :)

Introducing..drum roll please..MANLAND.

NATIONAL STATISTICS:

National flower: Poison Ivy
National motto: "Huh?"
First settler: Adam
National threat: Woman
National ally: Dog
Natural resource: Gas
Population: Overpopulated
Average IQ: Depends on Man's sobriety
National dish: Pizza
National beverage: Beer
National sports: Anything that involves grunting, sweating, and broken limbs.
National tribal wear: Pit-stained T-shirt circa 1990, sweatpants that used to be gray, but are now light black, and sneakers that used to be white, but are now gray.

"The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff." - Britney Spears

A travel guide makes a trip to a foreign country, well, not so foreign. And amazingly, from South Africa to the North Pole, from Australia to some godforsaken dot on the globe called Tuvalu, there is a handbook out there for every exotic destination imaginable. Except one: the most frightening, mysterious, and dangerous country of all. Manland.

For centuries, women have been expected to navigate their way through the vexing jungle of the male species without so much as a compass to guide them. We have lost our minds trying to decipher the male heart, psyche, body language, and dating customs. Well, help is on the way, this blog series will demystify the testicle-bearing gender once and for all. No more over-analyzing EVERYTHING, ladies! You are about to learn what makes Man tick and what ticks Man off. 

PACKING CHECKLIST:

1. Hand sanitizer

2. A case of Lysol

3. A yoga mat and whatever meditative mantra you employ when you feel yourself going insane

4. Extra strength Excedrin

5. Disposable toilet seat covers

6. A fully charged cell phone with 911, your shrink, and mother all on speed dial

7. Flats for when you need to make a quick escape, and high heels for when you're going for that whore look

MAN'S ORIGIN:

On the seventh day of the first week in history, God created the Garden of Eden. At first, the place wasn't much to look at, so God added some nice foliage, a couple of fluffy animals, a giant waterfall, a canyon, and a few rock formations here or there. But something was missing, there was not one to enjoy the garden (or trim the hedges). So God breathed life into Man, an odd-looking creature with a furry back and receding hairline. God named this creature "Adam", though truth be told, Adam actually looked more like a "Chuck". However, much to God's disappointment, Adam/Chuck didn't really do much once he was created. He just moped around in the garden day and night, muttering to himself because there was no cable television or Doritos. He refused to put on clothes, arguing that boxers didn't give him "enough support", and briefs made him feel "restricted". It wasn't long before God realized he had screwed up big time. Clearly, Adam/Chuck was incapable of functioning by himself. He was a body without a brain. Already feeling pangs of guilt for creating the completely illogical platypus, God removed a rib from Adam/Chuck and fashioned a new and improved version of Man: Woman. God named her "Eve", though truth be told, she looked more like a "Petula". He presented Eve/Petula to Adam/Chuck and he thought she was a hottie. Eve/Petula taught Adam/Chuck how to talk, think, turn a fig leaf into a haute couture, and reheat leftovers. She even managed to spruce up the Garden of Eden and it made the cover of "Only Home & Garden" magazine. 

DEPARTURE:

For some insight before you get off the plane to Manland, verse yourself in some common phrases and their meanings:

That's very interesting = I have no idea what you just said because I wasn't listening

I'm close with my mother = I live with my mother

I'm an entrepreneur = I am unemployed

Let's take this slow = I'll count to three before I grab your left breast

I don't want to pressure you = I'm giving you five more minutes, then I'm outta here

I love you = I don't want to use a condom when we have sex

Let's keep the wedding small = Let's not invite your friends

I do = There's really no way to get out of it at this point