"Merry Christmas!"
Christmas has been around for quite some time now, something like two thousand and twelve years, roughly. And somehow it never gets old, just like bad jokes, ominous hairstyles, stale alcohol, too much make-up, and your mother-in-law, who methodically combines all of the above.
Just to humor me, let's dissect this phrase for just a second: merry. This word means gay, joyous, and happy. Much like the clerk at Walmart, after they just checked out a thousand dollars worth of lame Christmas gifts like socks for Sally and the 'Unconditional Surrender G.I. Joe' for Johnny, after you made a scene about making sure they applied all of your coupons, half of which were expired, changed your mind eleventy-two times on whether buying Uncle Marty that Big Mouth Billy Bass is a good idea or not, and then realized your card was in your car, and they still wished you a "Merry Christmas", filling societal holiday expectation #15098329. Which, is 'Merry Christmas' but kind of sounds like "find the nearest gun, point it at your head, and kindly pull the trigger, you neurotic bitch."
Allll in the name of professionalism. Yet we still wish everyone a Merry Christmas...kinda.
Person says: "May your Christmas be merry and bright"
Person means: "I hope your Christmas is so merry that you laugh so hard Christmas punch comes out your nose, and so bright your electric bill causes you to sell your plasma for 60 bucks and unattractive bruising"
Person says: "Happy Holidays"
Person means: "I am Jewish and the term 'Christmas' is offensive, do you happen to have Ashlee Simpson's plastic surgeon's number?"
Person says: "May the joys of the season bring you peace and happiness"
Person means: "Thank you for shopping at Hallmark, enjoy our shitty movies."
Person says: "Peace on Earth"
Person means: "My name is Sean Hannity, and Christmas is the one day of the year I can't justify thriving off of inducing fear into the lives of fellow Americans."
Person says: "Joy to the World"
Person means: "If you aren't a 'Three Dog Night' fan, feel free to go drown yourself in hot apple cider."
Person says: "Wishing you all the gifts of the holiday season"
Person means: "I'm not getting you diddalee-squat!"
Person says: "Best wishes for a happy and prosperous new year"
Person means: "God save us if you don't learn from the many mistakes you made last year"
Person says: "Deck the halls"
Person means: "If I see one more blow up Santa Claus, I'm going to deck myself."
Person says: "Merry f****** Christmas"
Person means: "Merry f****** Christmas"
On a serious note, I really do love Christmas, the smells, the decorations, family time, holiday cheer, blah blah blah yeah I realize I'm going soft, but I really do love it. This year I am going to be spending my first Christmas away from home, so all the traditions I've known for the last 21 years are not going to happen. (Now is the part where you feel bad for me and send me a bag of Brach's Jelly Bells because they're freaking delicious). Therefore, I am learning that not only is Christmas not about what we get, it's about what we give and in my case, not who we spend it with, but how we treat and appreciate those we'd like to spend it with the entire year round, not just the one month where it's easy. So since I am morphing into this workoholic crazy cat lady with no friends and now no family to spend the holidays with, I will indulge in none other than my FAVORITE Christmas pastime to help me feel a little bit closer to home :)
And the Grinch,
with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow,
stood puzzling and puzzling,
how could it be so?
It came without ribbons.
It came without tags.
It came without packages, boxes or bags.
And he puzzled and puzzled,
till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something,
he hadn't before.
What if Christmas, he thought,
doesn't come from a store?
What if Christmas, perhaps,
means a little bit more?
And the Grinch,
with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow,
stood puzzling and puzzling,
how could it be so?
It came without ribbons.
It came without tags.
It came without packages, boxes or bags.
And he puzzled and puzzled,
till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something,
he hadn't before.
What if Christmas, he thought,
doesn't come from a store?
What if Christmas, perhaps,
means a little bit more?
