How To Get Unfriended On Facebook

I'm writing this post because I'm a bad person.

This list is not comprehensive. 

Now that we've cleared that up, let's get to it..

How to get unfriended on Facebook, or at least how to annoy the living shit out of people.

*Post more than five times a day. (Five + tweets a day is acceptable...Facebook, not so much.) If possible, give us a run-down of where you're going, especially if it involves running errands - that's really interesting stuff that people want to read: "Going to post office", "headed to the park!", "getting my nails done", "leaving work! TGIF". 

*Write about your cat. Sorry, but nobody gives a shit. If your cat dies, that's sad, you should post that. If your cat vomits on your face, that's interesting, and you should definitely post that. But if your cat is just cute and you feel like sharing, or it has feline behavioral problems (oh yeah, they exist), you should not write about that, I am pretty sure <1% of the population gives a corn puff, and to be honest, those aren't the best odds.

*Make a Facebook page for your pet. Your pet is not an actual human being, although I would support your cause because when I have a child I doggon' guarantee I'll leave it sitting outside for an hour on a leash with a bowl of water and a scratching post.

*Try to sound smart. Say profound stuff. Talk about your graduate degrees, impress us with your stunning intellect and piercing creativity by dropping quotes of obscure philosophers, and applying them to your daily life. Because we are impressed. Because everyone appreciates your insights. Fucktard.

*Post inspirational quotes and cute, happy little sayings about friendship, flowers, love, looking on the bright side, new doors opening, and feel-good crap. Use smiley faces and exclamation points. A lot! :D

*Play Farmville and send requests to people who don't play.

*Use your relationship status as a retaliatory tool against your partner. Perhaps you don't think we notice that you go from "in a relationship" to "single" 5-7 times a year. But we notice. We do. And every time we see it, we think you're an idiot and wish you'd figure your crap out once and for all so we can stop reading about it. 

*Post a lot of pictures of yourself. Make sure you're the only one in each photo. In each photo, make the exact same "I'm hot" face and show cleavage. Tilt your head down and slightly to the left. Have a small piece of hair fall strategically over one eye. Pout those lips. Look coy. Repeat.

*Post politically charged, highly controversial statements that trigger raging arguments between 300 idiots and their mothers on your status. Say things like "keep your laws out of my uterus", "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve", "Go Yankees!", and "I think breastfeeding in public should be a felony". 

*Whine. Tell us how much your life sucks. Go on and on about it. Lay it on thick. Include sad faces for some real sympathy. Use Facebook as a virtual, one-sided therapist. Don't bother changing things in your life since you're so unhappy. 

I must admit, I've put an adorable picture or 7 up of my puddy tat. Will you unfriend me? I hope not. Cause that would really hurt my feelings, and then I'd have to whine, and we all know how that goes...

HAPPY THURSDAY! 

LIVE EVERY MOMENT LIKE IT'S YOUR LAST! 

KISSES! XOXOX :D

Whiplash. And Stuff.

Since mention of my car accident seemed to cause a great deal of stress for some of you, I thought I'd take a moment to explain this before your blood pressure rises to unprecedented levels.

It was two weeks ago. The air was cold. And as I went to turn...[[unconsciousness]]

I got t-boned on my driver's side by a Ford Excursion. 

[[back to consciousness]] The next thing I remember was lying on a stretcher and staring up into the morning sky, thinking, "is this a dream? Why can't I feel my body? Crap. I'm about to die. Or maybe I did drugs? No, I'm dying. Here we go.." [[back to unconsciousness]]

I was in two car accidents over the last 3 months. The first one was my fault. The second one wasn't. Needless to say, I'm an irresponsible driver- I text, sing my heart out to the radio, pick my boogers at stop lights and eat them, etc. Alas, both car accidents happened when I wasn't under the influence (of Justin Bieber's latest hit) - so suffice it to say i'ts a little scary to get back on the road. Plus, my dad's really mad at me now and I'm stuck buying a car for myself and it will probably be a stick shift, which is a horrible idea considering I can hardly drive a lawn mower. 

[[back to consciousness]] I open my eyes, I'm in an ambulance with 6, possibly 7 very hot paramedics. 

Hot paramedics: "Do you have any pets?"

Me: "I have a Mr. Kitty."

Hot paramedics: "Uhmm...you were in an accident."

Me: "You're kidding!?!! Was it my fault? My dad is going to KILL ME!" [[back to unconsciousness]]

My doctor was a complete twatknuckle. (Again, with the Blogger dictionary, back OFF! I know it's not a real word!) I've never gone to medical school, but just to take a stab in the dark it's not the best idea for the first thing that comes out of your mouth when a patient is wheeled in to be "What was her time of death?" Uhh...I'm not dead asshole! Get this glass out of my face! So after I may or may not have scared him away, they brought in a nice lady that was actually useful and got all the glass out of my face and gave me unattractive, yet comfortable, hospital sweats (they had cut all my clothes off in the ambulance...yes, I was naked with a bunch of hot paramedics and failed to check off how I wish that would have gone down on my bucket list...dammit).

[[back to consciousness]] I awoke in the ICU wearing a neck brace, and...that's about it. Apparently I had been struck by a massive SUV on my driver side. The impact was so hard that it had caused me to get stuck in my vehicle and they called for the jaws of life to get me out. (It was at this point my EMT informed me that when I heard the phrase "jaws of life" I muttered something that sounded like "fuck that noise" and promptly kicked myself out of my drivers seat.) Oops. 

They discharged me with a major concussion, minor internal bleeding, and ointment for my face, which looked at the time like someone tried to make a human smoothie. I have healed up quite amazingly, the doctor said I was the luckiest girl he's ever seen. So I'm just happy to be here.

What doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger,

Enjoy the little things life has to offer, 

And NEVER take life for granted..

They also mentioned I might "feel a little sore tomorrow"...a little sore, you've got to be kidding me. It feels like I got hit by a truck - oh wait.....

I have a list too now, gosh darn it!

So I've been noticing that a lot of people have an "about me" list - you know, little fun-facts about philosophies, approaches, overarching beliefs, etc. Some of them are really serious. These lists include but are not limited to: "I'm a natural childbirth advocate", "I am not a Democrat or a Republican, I'm an American", "I'm a vegetarian", "I kill animals for fun", and "I am a radical Muslim - convert or die". After reading these lists, I decided that I need one - a nice, clear, honest, list.

So here are a few things you should know about me.

1) I always practice patience and honesty with people. And when that doesn't work, I yell, bribe, and make empty yet intimidating threats until I get my way.

2) I am a staunch, unswerving advocate of high court.

3) My dream is to get a PhD in English Literature so I can sit in classrooms discussing deconstructionist theory with a bunch of hungover 19-year-olds acting wildly interested, dropping Derrida quotes they really don't understand, solely to earn class participation points.

4) I eat organic and healthy foods. I also drink - a lot.

5) For reasons still unclear, I am still straight.

6) If I had my way, I'd be a rampant cigarette smoker. But I don't have my way. Apparently they cause cancer. I know they're disgusting, but I love them. I feel James Dean cool when I smoke them. These are not facts I share with my parents, and if they ask me, I will lie.

7) When my computer stalls, I bang on it.

8) When my boyfriend stalls, I bang him longer.

9) I love tattoos. That way when I'm 80 it will look like I stuck my lower back, ankle, inner wrist, and rib cage in a garbage disposal. I hate tattoos.

10) When I'm in a good mood I do interpretive dance moves around the house and listen to 90's music (usually the first on my playlist is Call On Me - Eric Prydz). When I'm in a bad mood I sit on the couch and yell at people.

11) I freakin' love my cat. He's the biz.

12) My roommate has a toy-sized chee-wa-wa. It's like a miniature devil. She has the hops of Michael Jordan and the speed of my dad's fart trajectory. I love her.

13) My idea of getting "dressed up" is looking incredibly sophisticated or incredibly slutty.

14) If you have a child or are a rapist that spends lots of time at the dinosaur land at West Acres, take note of the cloud around the (as Little Foot would say) long neck's neck...which I proudly take full responsibility for. When I was 10, I may or may not have shimmied my way up onto his head, cried my eyes out, and had a fireman come get me down.

15) I am very pro-life. Don't get an abortion, that's not very nice.

16) I watch enough CSI: Miami to frame a Unicorn for your death. I also have a perverted crush on Horatio.

17) I am a girly-girl. Seriously, I am.

18) When I hear things like "radical unschooling" the first thought that crosses my mind is: How is that radical? White trash meth addicts have been doing that for years. I can't help these thoughts, they just come. Sorry I'm not sorry.

19) I HATE when people say "sorry I'm not sorry".
.
20) When I attempt to summarize myself in a list, the whole experience immediately degenerates into random tid-bits of useless information and I find myself reminded of why I don't try to summarize myself ever. How can a person be bullet-listed; characterized by nice, neat one-liners? I'm confused. I hate about me lists, but now I have one. So I'm going back to unpacking.

PS. I'm home :) And I could. not. be. happier! Friends and Family make a place what it is, and I love this place right here, just how it is. :)