Valentine's Day. Because Love Isn't Complicated Enough.

All I want for Valentine's day is to spend the evening with someone whose himself, and by "himself", I mean perfect. Come on guys, is it that hard to pick out my favorite restaurant, my favorite movie, spritz on some Fierce, say all the right things, and fuck my brains out? Didn't think so. And don't bring chocolate - I hate chocolate. And don't bother asking me out if you are sloppy. I don't care how adorable you are, if you can't take a shower and dry off on the conveniently provided mat, we're done. On that note, is it that difficult to wash your hands without turning my bathroom into a goddamn slip'n'slide? Also, I don't care how gay you think it is, get a pedicure. I'm not exactly sure what happens here, but why does every man between the ages of 18 and 80 have at least one deformed toenail? It's either yellow, crusty, or infested with some mystery fungus that is impervious to all over-the-counter treatments. And when we're on our lame date, don't be that douche that tries to play the hero, even if it means making up situations. For instance..

Man: Did you see that guy? He totally just checked you out! Who does he think he is?

Me: I didn't see anything..

Man: Stay right here, I'm going to go take care of this.

Yeah, let's go Hercules, I'm starving. When we get to the restaurant, don't park in the farthest away possible parking space to avoid getting a scratch on your door. As far as etiquette goes, don't chew and drink at the same time, please take an obnoxious dose of Gas-X pre-date, don't eye-fuck the shit out of our waitress, and stay off your iphone for the night. 

That being said, guys, you know I love you. You fill the world with muscles, sweat, problem-solving skills, a wealth of useless facts and movie trivia, the ability to vaguely determine the general origin of a scary car noise, and an endless supply of "it's going to be okay's" But sometimes, I just want to strangle you with that loosely-fitted metro sexual tie. 

So on a serious note, I don't have plans tomorrow - so who wants to be my Valentine, grab some wings and a couple beers and nestle in on the couch and divulge in Dave Chapelle re-runs? It's a date!