John Smith is...

If I never saw these ten things on a Facebook status again, I wouldn't be upset.


1) The Boyfriend Report.


"John Smith is...thinking about my boyfriend CONSTANTLY!!! <333 XOXOXOXO"


Every time you write something like this, you make it that much harder for me to be sympathetic when you're "HEART</3BROKEN :(((((((" two days later.


2) The Vague Expression of Passive Aggression


"John Smith is...wonders why in someone's darkest times I help them, but when things are going rough for me, that someone is no where to be seen!"


Gee, why don't you just tag the person you got in a fight with two hours ago. Are you hoping to make all your friends worry that you're mad at them? The comment section on these is even better:


Jane Doe: OMG, you're not mad at me, are you!?
John Smith: Oh no, hunny. OMG, I love you! Someone just doing something they shouldn't. Just someone.
Susie Johnson: It's not me, is it!?
John Smith: ROFL...no...someone else...


..It's just a process of elimination after this point.


3) The Inside Joke


"John Smith is...Koala Bears in the what what? Hahaha"


You know, they have this new thing where you can edit what groups of people see your status. Why not do that rather than make everyone other than the two peoples who know what the hell you're talking about read this and have their heads explode while they try to figure out how you came in contact with a koala bear and just what your "what what" is.


4) The Ode To Life


"John Smith is...Crazy pancakes after a fan-freaking-tastic party at Henry's! I love my liiiiife!"


I don't care.


5) The Cursed Life


"John Smith is..I just found out that I'm adopted and my real parents are Bavarian gypsies! FML!"


FML = TMI...brah..


6) The Declaration Of Love To A Really Bad Pop Culture Phenomenon As If You're The Only Moron That Likes It


"John Smith is...BATMAN is AMAZING! Everyone should see it!"


I'm confused, are you talking to the four people that haven't seen it? Thank you for exposing us to this hidden gem. Aside from the record-breaking gross and the Oscar nominations, I never would have heard about it.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go back under my rock and see if I have enough change for a movie ticket. Those cost a few nickels more now, right?


7) The Song Lyrics Dedicated To Whomever You Just Had Sex With


"John Smith is...And your body is/My Ferris wheel/I loved getting stuck/At the top ;)"


Just so we're clear, it's 2am, your soul mate of the week just blitzed you a "text ya tomorrow" line and bailed. This declaration of love, and/or orgasm, doesn't make your hookup any less trashy. 


8) The Compliment Fisher


"John Smith is...I'm the worst person ever. Someone just shoot me."


Am I the only one who sees statuses like this and wants to comment with, "Yeah, you really are. You should find a bottle of something, anything, and drink the whole thing. So glad you realized this without any of the rest of us having to tell you, what a load off!"


9) The Bar Tab


"John Smith is...Still soooo wasted from last night. Threw up on myself. Hahaha..who wants to go out tonight?"


If I wanted to know how your inevitable alcoholism was going, I'd ask. I'll just wait and catch ya on the new season of Intervention in a few years. 


10) The Awesome Vacation That Only You're On


"John Smith is...Watching a tropical sunset on a beautiful island in the Pacific. Life is glorious, isn't it?


Fuck you.






..I realize Facebook no longer defaults your status' to "John Smith is..", but I think it should. That was a good deal the old Zuckerberg had goin...along with the old format....Timeline..pfft.