Competitions and Comparisons.
My father brought up to me today that he would like to compete with me in the annual Thanksgiving-morning 5k out at the lake. He's been training for months and wants to prove to me (and by me, I mean himself) that he can still beat me.
I think I'll pretend to sprain my ankle a mile in. Partly because I don't think my getaway sticks can run more than a mile, and my dad's sure as shit can't, and that way, we're all winners.
Or something like that.
Why do parents do that? ..Compare.
It's quite unhealthy to compare your children to siblings, cousins, neighbors, friends, or scarily precocious child actors. For example, "Congratulations at coming in second in high jump on your class Field Day! Did you know that Anna Paquin just won an Oscar for her role in The Piano and she's your age?"
This does nothing to help my, eh-hem, your child's personal growth. Rather than stirring up a competitive spirit, it will likely make them anxious, and later, resentful that you didn't appreciate them for who they were, and much later, morbidly pleased when the formerly precocious child star turns into a drug-addled failure. This has not yet happened, and probably will never happen, to Anna Paquin, as her career seems to be going quite well. Not that I care.
You know how you could always tell that your parent was comparing you to your much more successful cousin Kenneth? No? Just me? Okay. Well, Kenneth is captain of the soccer team, played first cello in the orchestra, served as president of the student council, and got into Princeton as an early-decision admission. While, I on the other hand, was cut from JV soccer my senior year, and referred to the school orchestra as "dorkestra", which although funny and true, did not help my resume.
Maybe you had those parents that took it a little overboard, drawing up elaborate charts directly comparing your life to the "Kenneth" in your family tree. And perhaps you experienced that awkward moment when you stumbled upon them and they hastily explained how the charts were part of something top secret, and to keep it remaining top secret, you must never speak of it to a soul again! (Sorry, I'm getting dramatic and imaginitive) Fortunately, being not very precocious, you were satisfied with this answer. Had you been Kenneth or Anna Paquin, they'd have a little more explaining to do.
Now look at you! You're out of college, and a nice, normal, well-adjusted person. Unlike Kenneth, who is now addicted to porn and his old-school Sega gaming system. I bet your charts didn't see that coming!
As parents now see their children in their mid-twenties as adults, instead of dropping the comparisons all together, they switch from comparing their child from Kenneth, to comparing them with themselves. This is where suggested annual Thanksgiving-day 5k's make birth, and it is a vicious cycle.
For one, it proves nothing. In 90 percent of the sports a parent tries to engage in with a child in their mid-twenties, and they are God knows how old (but surely really old)....they will lose. Not even by a little, outright crushed. Remember when you were a small child and you picked on an even smaller child by placing your palm on their head and telling them to try to hit you and they would swing with all their might and never touch you and they'd be all like "Gee whiz, what's the big idea?" It's like that.
If you consider chess or backgammon to a sport, these would fall into the 10 percent that a parent may, and is socially allowed to, excel in.
Just never resort to an even more insidious comparison. Namely, your weight. When someone who is much older says "I'm the same weight that I was in high school", there is no one that is impressed by this or happy for them. In fact, this is one of the most annoying sentences ever uttered, along with "You look tired" or, "You remind me of a late-career Beverly D'Angelo".However, the proper response to latter two remarks is "What the f*** is that supposed to mean?...the proper response to the weight comment is "Shut the f*** up".
The kinds of people that make remarks about how tired you seem or how much you look like Beverly D'Angelo, although an asshole, holds all the power. Because subconsciously, you now feel bad about yourself. However, when someone states that they are the same weight that they were in high school, that person is merely an anorexic beggart and a pathological liar. They have nothing to gain by uttering such an insipid phrase. What did you say!? You're not the same weight you were in high school!? Oh, fatty.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Crarents, Croms, and Kralae's
Being a hairstylist, in a partially ritzy part of town, I meet a lot of young successful individuals. I enjoy meeting these individuals, given they can carry on a conversation about the upcoming election, their gammy's upcoming 90th birthday, or how crummy their day has been; and tip well. If you can't afford to tip, go to Gr**t Cl**s. You get what you pay for. Anywhoos - I have noticed a trend lately that said individuals are going into the same profession that their parents are.
Sure, stick to what you know.
Or are all these individuals getting a shoe-in?
Parents are ridiculous these days.
If I messed up as a kid..especially in the last few years, and boy have I, my parents took the tough love route and made me figure out a solution on my own, only stepping in if need be to avoid any serious consequences. But I for sure don't do what my parents do, nor what my parents wanted me to do, which is not what they do. Kapish?
I understand all parents and families are different, sure, go ahead and put in a good word for your offspring at your law firm. That's one thing; actively creating your child's resume, setting up interviews, even going on these interviews; is another.
Ridiculous, right? But it's true. Some parents think it best for their child if they never let them deal with their own life, always having a hand in their every move. I believe the term is "helicopter parents," and I see how that would make sense, but it would imply something far cooler, like they are half-person half-helicopter and have the ability of flight, or at least to hover. So I prefer to call them "Overbearing Parents," as it is much more to the point and implies nothing remotely cool at all. Listen, my own mother is an Overbearing Parent.
Once, when I was in junior high school, she called up my ceramics teacher to protest my deserved B instead of an A, which would have been very clearly undeserved. I tried to tell her not to, but she was intent on sticking up for me, in that she wanted me to get into a good college. So, she had good intentions, but ultimately the teacher hated me, and rightly so. But that was the extent of her Overbearing Parent-ness, and she learned to let me take care of myself, and I have learned that if I ever take an adult ceramic class, I will not talk to Susie the whole time about our mutual crush on Johnny, and I will make that pinch pot in the allotted amount of time.
If you're an Overbearing Parent, let's have a one-on-one convo, right now. Pretend like I'm doing that hand gesture thing where I point two fingers to my eyes and then point them at your eyes. Yeah, that's how serious I am about this right now. Since I can't hear you, I will make up your dialogue as I assume you would respond. So, I'll play me, and you play Overbearing Parent (OBP).
Sure, stick to what you know.
Or are all these individuals getting a shoe-in?
Parents are ridiculous these days.
If I messed up as a kid..especially in the last few years, and boy have I, my parents took the tough love route and made me figure out a solution on my own, only stepping in if need be to avoid any serious consequences. But I for sure don't do what my parents do, nor what my parents wanted me to do, which is not what they do. Kapish?
I understand all parents and families are different, sure, go ahead and put in a good word for your offspring at your law firm. That's one thing; actively creating your child's resume, setting up interviews, even going on these interviews; is another.
Ridiculous, right? But it's true. Some parents think it best for their child if they never let them deal with their own life, always having a hand in their every move. I believe the term is "helicopter parents," and I see how that would make sense, but it would imply something far cooler, like they are half-person half-helicopter and have the ability of flight, or at least to hover. So I prefer to call them "Overbearing Parents," as it is much more to the point and implies nothing remotely cool at all. Listen, my own mother is an Overbearing Parent.
Once, when I was in junior high school, she called up my ceramics teacher to protest my deserved B instead of an A, which would have been very clearly undeserved. I tried to tell her not to, but she was intent on sticking up for me, in that she wanted me to get into a good college. So, she had good intentions, but ultimately the teacher hated me, and rightly so. But that was the extent of her Overbearing Parent-ness, and she learned to let me take care of myself, and I have learned that if I ever take an adult ceramic class, I will not talk to Susie the whole time about our mutual crush on Johnny, and I will make that pinch pot in the allotted amount of time.
If you're an Overbearing Parent, let's have a one-on-one convo, right now. Pretend like I'm doing that hand gesture thing where I point two fingers to my eyes and then point them at your eyes. Yeah, that's how serious I am about this right now. Since I can't hear you, I will make up your dialogue as I assume you would respond. So, I'll play me, and you play Overbearing Parent (OBP).
Me: You have to stop being overbearing and let your child find their way in this world using the tools with which you've provided them.
OBP: Sometimes I can hear the ocean in my shoe.
Me: Hey, that's a good idea! Maybe it's time you took a vacation! You are stressing yourself out with taking on all your child's responsibilities.
OBP: Want to hear my Ray Charles impression? La la la la.
Me: That sounds nothing like Ray Charles. Listen, the point is to do as much as you can until your child leaves, and then to provide support, but let them lead their own....
OBP: Sometimes I eat nothing but cranberries!
Me: Well, that can't be too healthy. You are a crazy parent.
OBP: I am Crarent, hear me roar!
Me: I am glad we had this talk.
Well, that was certainly an informative conversation. I find it appropriate to now drop the term "Overbearing Parent" and adopt "Crarent". It's catchy and also sounds like some sort of delicious dried fruit. Also, the Crarents thought of it themselves, so they may take full ownership of it and not be offended.
Welp...I've just gotten word that the Crarents are offended, and by "Crarents" I mean "my mother". I've agreed to let her share her side of the story, as she disagrees with my views on the ceramics teacher phone call. Okay, Mom, you have the floor. Don't embarrass me.
A Memo From Kym Loudenslager
Mother to Kalae Loudenslager, and non-crarent
Hello everyone, I am not used to writing in this type of format. I'm far more comfortable with legal briefs, which I write frequently so that I may support my children, specifically, Kalae, as she wastes her time writing in an online diary about how her parents mucked her up and continue to do so. Except she doesn't use the word "mucked," does she? She prefers to be vulgar. She certainly did not learn that language from me. She probably picked it up at one of the many taverns she frequents. Oh please, don't misunderstand me; I appreciate the irony of writing a blog post complaining about one's parents as one types on a brushed-steel $3,000 dollar lap top that my 100 hour work weeks bought for a certain someone. Anyway, as far as the ceramics incident goes, I called up Kalae's ceramics teacher Kalae's SENIOR year of high school. This seems to have slipped Kalae's mind conveniently, as she has failed to remember that she came down with a case of senioritis that rendered her unable to fulfill her pinch-pot requirements in the slacker/hippie class she thought she could just coast through and get an easy A. Kalae tearfully complained to me that her teacher was being unfair, and that having a B on her transcript would seriously impede her from getting into the college of her choice. So, at KALAE'S REQUEST, I made a call to her art teacher, who calmly explained to me that Kalae had not completed her assignments, and could but only give her a B, and that was being generous. When I informed Kalae of my call, she yelled at me for making her look like a spoiled brat to her teacher. Like she needed any help from me. But now, because of that one incident, I'm a "crarent." Well, let me tell you something little miss my-parent's-mucked-me-up.....
Okay, thanks Mom!
Wow, it's amazing how different people have different perspectives on history, isn't it!?
By the way, I have a new, adorable name for my mom...she can be called "crom"! It sounds like something a bird would screech. When said bird is angry and not thinking rationally about past events...Crom! Crom! Anyways, thanks Crom!
A Memo from Kym Loudenslager: My name is not Crom
It seems as though my daughter has thought up a new nickname for me, "Crom." However, my name is not Crom, it is Kym Loudenslager. I find it incredibly disrespectful that she would find it appropriate to call me "Crazy Mom" after all I have done for her. What if I started calling her Kralae? Hey everybody, it's Crazy Kalae, let's call her Kralae! How would she like that? Not at all, I'm sure.
And I'm seriously considering not placing the phone call she asked me to make to her neighbor that sometimes makes soup that smells weird and gives her nightmares. You can just go ahead and have those nightmares, Kalae. See what I care! Okay, fine, I'll make the call, but I will not be referred to as Crom!
A message from Me to Crom:
Dear Crom,
I never said that "Crom" stood for "Crazy Mom." I should have specified, actually it stands for "Crikey, Mom!" As in, "Crikey, Mom, you've done so much for me!" Also, Kralae doesn't have the same ring to it as Crarent or Crom. I'm sorry, it just doesn't quite roll off the tongue the same. No matter, let's put these differences behind us. I am just trying to find an equilibrium for our relationship and along the way help others to do the same. So, if you could, for like, two minutes, stay out of my business, that would be great. Well, stay out of my business after you make that call to my neighbor. I think it's a Curry Soup or something. Thanks, Crom.
Love,
Kalae
A message from Me to everyone besides Crom:
It appears my mother has cut me off. Great. Just great. Now I can't afford enough diet coke to keep me hydrated as I suffer from sleep deprivation due to my inhalation-of-curry-soup-caused nightmares!
However, I am a selfless person. So I will soldier on, despite certain hardships ahead.
****
Believe it or not, this is not my first foray into philanthropy. I have for a long time lent my talents and support to other organizations and peoples who need my help. I would like to now provide you with my resume of philanthropic work:
YMCA
Fargo, North Dakota 1996-1998
When I was 6 I participated in a youth basketball league in which I shot at hoops that were 6 feet high (as opposed to 10ft regulation) and I never complained. A complaint would have surely shut down the YMCA, depriving many children of after-school activities, so I effectively saved the YMCA of Cass County at age 6.
Bonnie Haney School of Dance
Fargo, North Dakota 1999-2012
I was enrolled in dance class, where I learned such steps as the fox trot, the waltz, and the cha-cha-cha. I danced with boys whom were much shorter than myself, which made them feel incredibly uncomfortable, and I made them feel this acutely, telling them repeatedly to stop staring at my rack. They carried this lesson of humility with them, so that when they were old they harkened back to the ballroom-dancing days of shame whenever they were about to be a jerk to a girl. This resulted in many boys in the FM-Area being very respectful to girls.
Moorhead Youth Soccer
Moorhead, MN 2007-2008
As a senior in high school I coached tiny five-year-olds
in the art of soccer. Tiny five-year-olds play soccer with a
pack mentality, with no regard for spacing or strategy. It’s
quite adorable to see twenty little kids frantically move
from one side of the field to the other as one … until you
realize that that is no way to play soccer and if they continue
to move as a pack they will never have a sense of individuality.
So, I started a series of rumors about each of
the children that turned them against each other (“Lila
says that Matty smells”), and this lead them to want to stay
far away from each other, especially Matty, since everyone
thought that he smelled. As a result, we had the best spacing
of the entire league and went on to win at least two
more games than we had anticipated. Yes, no one was in a
celebratory mood because they had all been turned against
each other, but the important thing is that we won and the
kids learned to look out for number one.
in the art of soccer. Tiny five-year-olds play soccer with a
pack mentality, with no regard for spacing or strategy. It’s
quite adorable to see twenty little kids frantically move
from one side of the field to the other as one … until you
realize that that is no way to play soccer and if they continue
to move as a pack they will never have a sense of individuality.
So, I started a series of rumors about each of
the children that turned them against each other (“Lila
says that Matty smells”), and this lead them to want to stay
far away from each other, especially Matty, since everyone
thought that he smelled. As a result, we had the best spacing
of the entire league and went on to win at least two
more games than we had anticipated. Yes, no one was in a
celebratory mood because they had all been turned against
each other, but the important thing is that we won and the
kids learned to look out for number one.
Boom.
Make your children earn their place in this world.
Make your children earn their place in this world.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
John Smith is...
If I never saw these ten things on a Facebook status again, I wouldn't be upset.
1) The Boyfriend Report.
"John Smith is...thinking about my boyfriend CONSTANTLY!!! <333 XOXOXOXO"
Every time you write something like this, you make it that much harder for me to be sympathetic when you're "HEART</3BROKEN :(((((((" two days later.
2) The Vague Expression of Passive Aggression
"John Smith is...wonders why in someone's darkest times I help them, but when things are going rough for me, that someone is no where to be seen!"
Gee, why don't you just tag the person you got in a fight with two hours ago. Are you hoping to make all your friends worry that you're mad at them? The comment section on these is even better:
Jane Doe: OMG, you're not mad at me, are you!?
John Smith: Oh no, hunny. OMG, I love you! Someone just doing something they shouldn't. Just someone.
Susie Johnson: It's not me, is it!?
John Smith: ROFL...no...someone else...
..It's just a process of elimination after this point.
3) The Inside Joke
"John Smith is...Koala Bears in the what what? Hahaha"
You know, they have this new thing where you can edit what groups of people see your status. Why not do that rather than make everyone other than the two peoples who know what the hell you're talking about read this and have their heads explode while they try to figure out how you came in contact with a koala bear and just what your "what what" is.
4) The Ode To Life
"John Smith is...Crazy pancakes after a fan-freaking-tastic party at Henry's! I love my liiiiife!"
I don't care.
5) The Cursed Life
"John Smith is..I just found out that I'm adopted and my real parents are Bavarian gypsies! FML!"
FML = TMI...brah..
6) The Declaration Of Love To A Really Bad Pop Culture Phenomenon As If You're The Only Moron That Likes It
"John Smith is...BATMAN is AMAZING! Everyone should see it!"
I'm confused, are you talking to the four people that haven't seen it? Thank you for exposing us to this hidden gem. Aside from the record-breaking gross and the Oscar nominations, I never would have heard about it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go back under my rock and see if I have enough change for a movie ticket. Those cost a few nickels more now, right?
7) The Song Lyrics Dedicated To Whomever You Just Had Sex With
"John Smith is...And your body is/My Ferris wheel/I loved getting stuck/At the top ;)"
Just so we're clear, it's 2am, your soul mate of the week just blitzed you a "text ya tomorrow" line and bailed. This declaration of love, and/or orgasm, doesn't make your hookup any less trashy.
8) The Compliment Fisher
"John Smith is...I'm the worst person ever. Someone just shoot me."
Am I the only one who sees statuses like this and wants to comment with, "Yeah, you really are. You should find a bottle of something, anything, and drink the whole thing. So glad you realized this without any of the rest of us having to tell you, what a load off!"
9) The Bar Tab
"John Smith is...Still soooo wasted from last night. Threw up on myself. Hahaha..who wants to go out tonight?"
If I wanted to know how your inevitable alcoholism was going, I'd ask. I'll just wait and catch ya on the new season of Intervention in a few years.
10) The Awesome Vacation That Only You're On
"John Smith is...Watching a tropical sunset on a beautiful island in the Pacific. Life is glorious, isn't it?
Fuck you.
..I realize Facebook no longer defaults your status' to "John Smith is..", but I think it should. That was a good deal the old Zuckerberg had goin...along with the old format....Timeline..pfft.
1) The Boyfriend Report.
"John Smith is...thinking about my boyfriend CONSTANTLY!!! <333 XOXOXOXO"
Every time you write something like this, you make it that much harder for me to be sympathetic when you're "HEART</3BROKEN :(((((((" two days later.
2) The Vague Expression of Passive Aggression
"John Smith is...wonders why in someone's darkest times I help them, but when things are going rough for me, that someone is no where to be seen!"
Gee, why don't you just tag the person you got in a fight with two hours ago. Are you hoping to make all your friends worry that you're mad at them? The comment section on these is even better:
Jane Doe: OMG, you're not mad at me, are you!?
John Smith: Oh no, hunny. OMG, I love you! Someone just doing something they shouldn't. Just someone.
Susie Johnson: It's not me, is it!?
John Smith: ROFL...no...someone else...
..It's just a process of elimination after this point.
3) The Inside Joke
"John Smith is...Koala Bears in the what what? Hahaha"
You know, they have this new thing where you can edit what groups of people see your status. Why not do that rather than make everyone other than the two peoples who know what the hell you're talking about read this and have their heads explode while they try to figure out how you came in contact with a koala bear and just what your "what what" is.
4) The Ode To Life
"John Smith is...Crazy pancakes after a fan-freaking-tastic party at Henry's! I love my liiiiife!"
I don't care.
5) The Cursed Life
"John Smith is..I just found out that I'm adopted and my real parents are Bavarian gypsies! FML!"
FML = TMI...brah..
6) The Declaration Of Love To A Really Bad Pop Culture Phenomenon As If You're The Only Moron That Likes It
"John Smith is...BATMAN is AMAZING! Everyone should see it!"
I'm confused, are you talking to the four people that haven't seen it? Thank you for exposing us to this hidden gem. Aside from the record-breaking gross and the Oscar nominations, I never would have heard about it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go back under my rock and see if I have enough change for a movie ticket. Those cost a few nickels more now, right?
7) The Song Lyrics Dedicated To Whomever You Just Had Sex With
"John Smith is...And your body is/My Ferris wheel/I loved getting stuck/At the top ;)"
Just so we're clear, it's 2am, your soul mate of the week just blitzed you a "text ya tomorrow" line and bailed. This declaration of love, and/or orgasm, doesn't make your hookup any less trashy.
8) The Compliment Fisher
"John Smith is...I'm the worst person ever. Someone just shoot me."
Am I the only one who sees statuses like this and wants to comment with, "Yeah, you really are. You should find a bottle of something, anything, and drink the whole thing. So glad you realized this without any of the rest of us having to tell you, what a load off!"
9) The Bar Tab
"John Smith is...Still soooo wasted from last night. Threw up on myself. Hahaha..who wants to go out tonight?"
If I wanted to know how your inevitable alcoholism was going, I'd ask. I'll just wait and catch ya on the new season of Intervention in a few years.
10) The Awesome Vacation That Only You're On
"John Smith is...Watching a tropical sunset on a beautiful island in the Pacific. Life is glorious, isn't it?
Fuck you.
..I realize Facebook no longer defaults your status' to "John Smith is..", but I think it should. That was a good deal the old Zuckerberg had goin...along with the old format....Timeline..pfft.
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