Whiplash. And Stuff.

Since mention of my car accident seemed to cause a great deal of stress for some of you, I thought I'd take a moment to explain this before your blood pressure rises to unprecedented levels.

It was two weeks ago. The air was cold. And as I went to turn...[[unconsciousness]]

I got t-boned on my driver's side by a Ford Excursion. 

[[back to consciousness]] The next thing I remember was lying on a stretcher and staring up into the morning sky, thinking, "is this a dream? Why can't I feel my body? Crap. I'm about to die. Or maybe I did drugs? No, I'm dying. Here we go.." [[back to unconsciousness]]

I was in two car accidents over the last 3 months. The first one was my fault. The second one wasn't. Needless to say, I'm an irresponsible driver- I text, sing my heart out to the radio, pick my boogers at stop lights and eat them, etc. Alas, both car accidents happened when I wasn't under the influence (of Justin Bieber's latest hit) - so suffice it to say i'ts a little scary to get back on the road. Plus, my dad's really mad at me now and I'm stuck buying a car for myself and it will probably be a stick shift, which is a horrible idea considering I can hardly drive a lawn mower. 

[[back to consciousness]] I open my eyes, I'm in an ambulance with 6, possibly 7 very hot paramedics. 

Hot paramedics: "Do you have any pets?"

Me: "I have a Mr. Kitty."

Hot paramedics: "Uhmm...you were in an accident."

Me: "You're kidding!?!! Was it my fault? My dad is going to KILL ME!" [[back to unconsciousness]]

My doctor was a complete twatknuckle. (Again, with the Blogger dictionary, back OFF! I know it's not a real word!) I've never gone to medical school, but just to take a stab in the dark it's not the best idea for the first thing that comes out of your mouth when a patient is wheeled in to be "What was her time of death?" Uhh...I'm not dead asshole! Get this glass out of my face! So after I may or may not have scared him away, they brought in a nice lady that was actually useful and got all the glass out of my face and gave me unattractive, yet comfortable, hospital sweats (they had cut all my clothes off in the ambulance...yes, I was naked with a bunch of hot paramedics and failed to check off how I wish that would have gone down on my bucket list...dammit).

[[back to consciousness]] I awoke in the ICU wearing a neck brace, and...that's about it. Apparently I had been struck by a massive SUV on my driver side. The impact was so hard that it had caused me to get stuck in my vehicle and they called for the jaws of life to get me out. (It was at this point my EMT informed me that when I heard the phrase "jaws of life" I muttered something that sounded like "fuck that noise" and promptly kicked myself out of my drivers seat.) Oops. 

They discharged me with a major concussion, minor internal bleeding, and ointment for my face, which looked at the time like someone tried to make a human smoothie. I have healed up quite amazingly, the doctor said I was the luckiest girl he's ever seen. So I'm just happy to be here.

What doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger,

Enjoy the little things life has to offer, 

And NEVER take life for granted..

They also mentioned I might "feel a little sore tomorrow"...a little sore, you've got to be kidding me. It feels like I got hit by a truck - oh wait.....