How To Get Unfriended On Facebook

I'm writing this post because I'm a bad person.

This list is not comprehensive. 

Now that we've cleared that up, let's get to it..

How to get unfriended on Facebook, or at least how to annoy the living shit out of people.

*Post more than five times a day. (Five + tweets a day is acceptable...Facebook, not so much.) If possible, give us a run-down of where you're going, especially if it involves running errands - that's really interesting stuff that people want to read: "Going to post office", "headed to the park!", "getting my nails done", "leaving work! TGIF". 

*Write about your cat. Sorry, but nobody gives a shit. If your cat dies, that's sad, you should post that. If your cat vomits on your face, that's interesting, and you should definitely post that. But if your cat is just cute and you feel like sharing, or it has feline behavioral problems (oh yeah, they exist), you should not write about that, I am pretty sure <1% of the population gives a corn puff, and to be honest, those aren't the best odds.

*Make a Facebook page for your pet. Your pet is not an actual human being, although I would support your cause because when I have a child I doggon' guarantee I'll leave it sitting outside for an hour on a leash with a bowl of water and a scratching post.

*Try to sound smart. Say profound stuff. Talk about your graduate degrees, impress us with your stunning intellect and piercing creativity by dropping quotes of obscure philosophers, and applying them to your daily life. Because we are impressed. Because everyone appreciates your insights. Fucktard.

*Post inspirational quotes and cute, happy little sayings about friendship, flowers, love, looking on the bright side, new doors opening, and feel-good crap. Use smiley faces and exclamation points. A lot! :D

*Play Farmville and send requests to people who don't play.

*Use your relationship status as a retaliatory tool against your partner. Perhaps you don't think we notice that you go from "in a relationship" to "single" 5-7 times a year. But we notice. We do. And every time we see it, we think you're an idiot and wish you'd figure your crap out once and for all so we can stop reading about it. 

*Post a lot of pictures of yourself. Make sure you're the only one in each photo. In each photo, make the exact same "I'm hot" face and show cleavage. Tilt your head down and slightly to the left. Have a small piece of hair fall strategically over one eye. Pout those lips. Look coy. Repeat.

*Post politically charged, highly controversial statements that trigger raging arguments between 300 idiots and their mothers on your status. Say things like "keep your laws out of my uterus", "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve", "Go Yankees!", and "I think breastfeeding in public should be a felony". 

*Whine. Tell us how much your life sucks. Go on and on about it. Lay it on thick. Include sad faces for some real sympathy. Use Facebook as a virtual, one-sided therapist. Don't bother changing things in your life since you're so unhappy. 

I must admit, I've put an adorable picture or 7 up of my puddy tat. Will you unfriend me? I hope not. Cause that would really hurt my feelings, and then I'd have to whine, and we all know how that goes...

HAPPY THURSDAY! 

LIVE EVERY MOMENT LIKE IT'S YOUR LAST! 

KISSES! XOXOX :D