Anywhoo. The other day bored at work I was reading my trusty trashy magazine and I saw a picture of Jessica Simpson during her baby shower. And as I saw her I thought to myself.. "Wow. She's gained some WEIGHT."
And then I read that she served deep-fried Twinkies at her shower, which triggered in my vague little brain a recalling of a few months ago about how she said on Jay Leno that she was craving some ungodly brownie creation involving cookie dough and Oreos.
And all of the sudden, I started to like her.
I mean she's not up there with say, Chelsea Handler or my grandma, but she's farther up than most famous pop singers.
Sure, I have never actually listened to a song she's sung. (She does make music, right?)
And I don't think I've ever finished a full movie she's been in. One I started just because Dane Cook was on the cover, then it wasn't funny at all, and then there was that one with the car and water and super short shorts that never held my attention.
And she doesn't strike me as the sharpest tool in the shed.
And I'm guessing we have slightly different approaches to life, considering she sold her baby shower to People Magazine.
However, despite all of this, she is my new hero - say, for the week - because she's a Hollywood icon finally acting like a REAL human being during pregnancy by eating too much.
FINALLY someone who doesn't look like they've placed a small basketball in their Gucci dress and called it a baby, with perfectly toned arms/legs/ass happily announcing, "I'm due any day!"
I mean, SHIT, Angelina...EAT!
Finally, a superstar that gets fat like a normal person.
Oh, yeah. Blah, blah, blah, I know. Health.
My point is that pregnancy is inevitably disgusting. That's why I'm on birth control....and abstinent.... So that I don't stuff my ex-butt-cheek-hanging-out-of-jean-shorts self with fried Twinkies. Yeah, I get it, pregnancy is beautiful, yackity, yackity, yack....as long as you don't ask your husband if that dress makes you look fat.
I'm just glad someone in Hollywood is embracing pregnancy for what it IS and not trying to make it seem like some perfect fairytale with 7% body fat and airbrushed skin.
And so, I commend you, Jessica Simpson for representing the poor choices women make during that special time, and every month during THAT special time, and for a week after every breakup. And for discussing it on television. And for publishing it in a magazine. Even if you did get paid millions for it.
Of course, now I hear you've already sold your post-baby-weight-loss journey to Jenny Craig or some crap, which means we've already suddenly lost touch with one another.
We had some good times, you and I.
It was good while it lasted.
But no matter how thin you get, no matter how many 5k's you run four months after your delivery, no matter how soon you divorce your latest flavor, and no matter how BAD your next entertainment endeavor is....I'll always remember you as the Actual Hollywood Human Female who ate horrible things during pregnancy, got fat, and admitted it. And for still being BEAUTIFUL and rocking high heels doing it.
So cheers to my new hero - Gooooooo Jessica!
Did I just write a blog about Jessica Simpson being my hero? God, help me.
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