Significant Others

Living with your father at age 23 comes with its expediencies, as I live rent free and have a live-in caregiver when my immune system fails, as it usually does. Living with your father at age 23 and single, however, presents its complications, as he happens to meet any male caller I might have, or at least gather enough information by eavesdropping on my phone calls to girlfriends to ask questions about said male callers.

So, I bring a guy over to hang out. Everything goes really well until my dad comes out of his little man cave and starts asking questions about where he is from, what he does for a living, and his opinions on abortion. Going with the politically correct (and most likely never correct in the conservative Loudenslager household) answer he states, "I believe in a woman's right to choose, but I would be ready to be a father if we made a mistake". Then my father punched him in the face. Then I punched him in the face for practically revealing our frivolous acts of premarital sex. Then my brother punched him in the face for having sex with his sister. Then I had to break up with this guy because his nose was so disfigured that I didn't want to have sex with him anymore.

You can see how this is a problem.

If I have found a person that I want to spend an evening, let alone subsequent evenings with, that is an incredible feat. That's a lot of people to sift through. It's a lot of douche bags to go on dates with, come to my senses about, and reject. This is a tedious process, you see, especially since there is such an over abundance of douche bags. I mean, think how many people are in China, let alone the world. The exact number escapes me at the moment. Point being, I am doing well for myself, just as I'm sure my father did well for himself...you know Dad, when you landed yourself that date with Brenda Penderghast and would listen to jazz music, hold hands, and gaze into each others eyes in the back seat of your Model T. Therefore, it falls upon you, as a parent, to not muck up any chance at a relationship I've got. I do that well enough on my own, thank you very much.

I've had enough romantic Valentine's Day getaways to Napa that I've been told "I just don't believe in marriage". It showcases a certain type of idiocy on the boyfriend's part, because who doesn't "believe" in marriage? It's an age-old proven institution. It's not like the state of marriage is a unicorn and he doesn't believe in unicorns. Ironically enough, this guy just so happened to believe in unicorns, and although I came to terms with the marriage dispute, it was his fervent belief in unicorns that was ultimately our undoing.

Dad, if a guy is mistreating me, I give you full margin to act on my behalf. You have every right to cave in his ankles and torture him in a Misery-type scenario, staying true to the Kathy Bates character, except instead of saying "I'm your biggest fan", you can say "I'm going to fuck you up good", which will make him tremble in fear, in addition to the uncontrollable sobbing brought about by the caved in ankles. Also, if any significant other of mine is caught engaging in misuse of drugs, it would be appropriate to intervene and confiscate all of their drugs and drug paraphernalia and redistribute said paraphernalia to myself so that I may experience for myself their harmful effects.

When you meet my relatively normal,  nonabusive, non-drug addled significant other, you must exude friendliness. Alas, this is what I can see happening...

Dad: (shoving me out of the way upon my significant others entrance into our home, embracing him with a hug) "Welcome to our home! I hope it's something like the home you will share with my daughter in the near future!"

Significant Other: (politely laughing and disengaging himself from my father's firm grip) "Well, we've only gone on two dates, I don't know if we're thinking about moving in together."

Dad: "You had better not think about moving in with her if you're not married young man."

Me: "Please stop."

Significant Other's Inner Thoughts: This family is crazy, I am breaking up with her as soon as I can get out of here.

Dad: (stiffly extends his hand) "Nice to meet you, (significant other's name)."

Significant Other: "Nice to meet you too."

Dad: "I would offer you a chair, but I have no idea how long you two will be together."

Me: "That was rude."

Significant Other's Inner Thouhts: Yes, rude, but he is incredibly accurate, there's no way I am talking to her again once I leave.

I looked it up on the Internet just now and apparently the Chinese population is increasing by ten million people a year and will peak in the middle of the twenty-first century at about 1.6 billion.