Significant Others

Living with your father at age 23 comes with its expediencies, as I live rent free and have a live-in caregiver when my immune system fails, as it usually does. Living with your father at age 23 and single, however, presents its complications, as he happens to meet any male caller I might have, or at least gather enough information by eavesdropping on my phone calls to girlfriends to ask questions about said male callers.

So, I bring a guy over to hang out. Everything goes really well until my dad comes out of his little man cave and starts asking questions about where he is from, what he does for a living, and his opinions on abortion. Going with the politically correct (and most likely never correct in the conservative Loudenslager household) answer he states, "I believe in a woman's right to choose, but I would be ready to be a father if we made a mistake". Then my father punched him in the face. Then I punched him in the face for practically revealing our frivolous acts of premarital sex. Then my brother punched him in the face for having sex with his sister. Then I had to break up with this guy because his nose was so disfigured that I didn't want to have sex with him anymore.

You can see how this is a problem.

If I have found a person that I want to spend an evening, let alone subsequent evenings with, that is an incredible feat. That's a lot of people to sift through. It's a lot of douche bags to go on dates with, come to my senses about, and reject. This is a tedious process, you see, especially since there is such an over abundance of douche bags. I mean, think how many people are in China, let alone the world. The exact number escapes me at the moment. Point being, I am doing well for myself, just as I'm sure my father did well for himself...you know Dad, when you landed yourself that date with Brenda Penderghast and would listen to jazz music, hold hands, and gaze into each others eyes in the back seat of your Model T. Therefore, it falls upon you, as a parent, to not muck up any chance at a relationship I've got. I do that well enough on my own, thank you very much.

I've had enough romantic Valentine's Day getaways to Napa that I've been told "I just don't believe in marriage". It showcases a certain type of idiocy on the boyfriend's part, because who doesn't "believe" in marriage? It's an age-old proven institution. It's not like the state of marriage is a unicorn and he doesn't believe in unicorns. Ironically enough, this guy just so happened to believe in unicorns, and although I came to terms with the marriage dispute, it was his fervent belief in unicorns that was ultimately our undoing.

Dad, if a guy is mistreating me, I give you full margin to act on my behalf. You have every right to cave in his ankles and torture him in a Misery-type scenario, staying true to the Kathy Bates character, except instead of saying "I'm your biggest fan", you can say "I'm going to fuck you up good", which will make him tremble in fear, in addition to the uncontrollable sobbing brought about by the caved in ankles. Also, if any significant other of mine is caught engaging in misuse of drugs, it would be appropriate to intervene and confiscate all of their drugs and drug paraphernalia and redistribute said paraphernalia to myself so that I may experience for myself their harmful effects.

When you meet my relatively normal,  nonabusive, non-drug addled significant other, you must exude friendliness. Alas, this is what I can see happening...

Dad: (shoving me out of the way upon my significant others entrance into our home, embracing him with a hug) "Welcome to our home! I hope it's something like the home you will share with my daughter in the near future!"

Significant Other: (politely laughing and disengaging himself from my father's firm grip) "Well, we've only gone on two dates, I don't know if we're thinking about moving in together."

Dad: "You had better not think about moving in with her if you're not married young man."

Me: "Please stop."

Significant Other's Inner Thoughts: This family is crazy, I am breaking up with her as soon as I can get out of here.

Dad: (stiffly extends his hand) "Nice to meet you, (significant other's name)."

Significant Other: "Nice to meet you too."

Dad: "I would offer you a chair, but I have no idea how long you two will be together."

Me: "That was rude."

Significant Other's Inner Thouhts: Yes, rude, but he is incredibly accurate, there's no way I am talking to her again once I leave.

I looked it up on the Internet just now and apparently the Chinese population is increasing by ten million people a year and will peak in the middle of the twenty-first century at about 1.6 billion.

Open For Interpretation

What is the value of words? Sometimes it's sad to witness just how much people can get crapped on, and in the midst of their confusion and frustration lies inconsistency. Their actions never match up with their words. Their flashing smile distracts us from the dagger they're whipping into our chest. Compliments and promises are nothing...only the actions that follow them.

Words are not the only context to a person's sentence.

It's easy to fall into self-deception. When we hear something nice that inflates the ego, we want to believe it. Heck, it's gratifying to believe such things. If we think any differently, that thought process may bring about some form of pain. So we go ahead, and drink up the bullshit because of our escapist nature.

Some recent family matters have really got me thinking about words: what we can hide with a smile, how a simple roll of the eyes can influence a person's view of another, and the small deceptions inserted into harmless comments that truly prove to be one's undoing.

What slips past us everyday? How do we percieve the words we use everyday? How do those words change, or rather, falsify how we view the truth?

For example...

The people we consider our friends, are people we never see that have access to our Facebook pages.

Call of Duty, although it may appear to be a game, is actually a very intensely effective form of birth control.

Secrets are just things we tell everyone not to tell anyone.

Science Fairs have become ways for parents to show how talented they are.

Getting a manicure is just spending 30 dollars to get made fun of in a different language.

"I'll pay you back".....this one requires no explanation..how many times have all of us heard this?

Heaven is depicted as a place full of everything you get sent to Hell for.

"Oh...cool!"....99% of the times actually means "I don't care", yet even though we KNOW the person saying it to us most likely doesn't care, WE TELL OURSELVES they do! Seriously. Think about it.

Democracy is just the freedom to elect our own dictators.

Drama. When Sally likes Henry, but Henry is going out with Janet, but Janet actually likes Edward, but Edward likes Sally, so Edward asks out Sally, and Janet gets mad and breaks up with Henry so she can go out with Edward, but then Sally asks out Thomas instead, and Thomas likes Dorothy, and Dorothy likes Henry, so Dorothy asks out Henry, and Janet gets jealous so she forgets about Edward and tries to make up with Henry.

Sound ridiculous? I may be adding in some dry humor, but we do it all. the. time. We just sugar-coat everything with feelings, and since we feel a certain way, we justify our blatantly rotten behavior.

The most heinous of them all? Wedding vows.

Fifty Percent of marriages.

Pitiful.

Words. That's what careless words do. They make people love you a little less.

Next time you hear something...think to yourself:  is it true, or do you want it to be?

Matthew 12:36

I tell you, on the day of judgement, people will give account for every careless word they speak...

I need a Pintervention.

I suppose I should do some sort of Christmas-recap-Happy-New-Year's-reflection thing, but the truth is, I don't really feel like it. Christmas was a bit of a disappointment, as holidays usually are, and it passed as Christmas usually does. Next year on Christmas I'm going to do everything in my power to be able to tell my boss that I can't work a Holiday, which is absurd, I'm aware, but it's on my to-do list, because this year I caved. I'm a caver. New subject...

Like New Year's. Now THAT was a fun holiday, as I spent it going to bed at 9 with my cat so that I could get up for work the next morning. This is my year, folks. Or not.

In my not-so-free time I have discovered a wonderful, addicting, money-sucking, beautiful, horrendous thing: Pinterest.

For those of you that have been living under a rock, Pinterest is an online pin board consisting of things such as recipes and craft ideas. It's basically like Etsy and Pottery Barn got drunk, hooked up, made a baby, and Pinterest is their family scrapbook.

Now are you Pinterested?

Out of nowhere, I want to plan some sort of wedding that doesn't exist, I want to decorate a home I don't have, and I want to have some sort of dream craft room, complete with burlap and mason jars. But really, all I'm doing is telling myself how creative I am, while looking at other people's awesome ideas, while staring at a computer screen at work in-between clients. Essentially, I spend 90% of my time on Pinterest to escape from the drama and atrocious grammar on Facebook. The other 5% of my time I spend at Hobby Lobby, spending the money I didn't rightfully earn because I was on Pinterest all day, and the other 5% I actually spend accomplishing my responsibilities.


So, as you can see, these odds suck.

I haven't done laundry in 12 days, but if you need a rosemary mint sugar scrub, I'm your girl.

That's it. I'm head over tea kettle on this one.

I need a Pintervention.

A divine Pintervention.

This is a cry for help.

I would even dare to go as far as considering myself a Pinster. A pinning gangster.

It's a treacherous neighborhood, and I'm the Mafioso.