Christmas...Ew.

The holidays are an incredibly difficult time. Mostly because you start anticipating the festivities of the season a good four weeks in advance, as the memories of last Christmas season begin to surface after being buried for almost a year. For example, it would appear that I have happy childhood memories of Christmas, as the charming picture of me in a pink onesie bounding down the stairs to open presents would suggest. Yes, this picture is just darling, because in it I'm five years old. However, my parents got the adorable idea that we should try to re-create this pose every year. I do not know where they found adult sized pink onesies, and I do not want to think about how I saw my grandmother in a similar-looking one the night before, nor that said onesie smelled like mothballs. Guess what my grandmother smells like? Anyways, the point is that my parents just recently realized that around age fourteen there was a mischievous sparkle in my eye each year, only to then notice that was when I began to subtly flick off the camera in each candid jewel. That really drove home and now the onesie tradition has ceased - praise baby Jesus.

To truly enjoy the holidays, you've got to get past the small stuff. Nevermind the story granny just told about how in her time they used to call skunks "wood pussies" for the fortieth time or that grandpa just peed on the couch - but you are too polite to say anything, mostly because grandpa is an ex-marine, and though he's feeble, you still suspect he could do you bodily harm. Forget all of that.

And herein lies the crux of the holidays: you are so happy that the entire family is together that you gloss over the main problem; that the entire family is together. 

There is this built-in expectation that this must be the most joyous and magical time. In fact, did you know that some have actually dubbed Christmas, "the most wonderful time of the year"? It's true. Absurd, I'm aware, but the build-up of an event being the best time of the year can only lead to disappointment. If it's not the best time you have ever had, you have somehow failed. If it is anything less than a pristine white Christmas with snow falling gently at the time you open a wobbly present and - SURPRISE! - a puppy jumps out with a beautiful Tiffany's 3 carat princess cut solitaire around it's collar, as your boyfriend emerges from behind the Christmas tree and asks for your hand in marriage in front of your weeping family, firmly shakes your fathers hand, and then you all enjoy a delicious ham dinner; then you have not had a perfect holiday and you should be vastly disappointed. 

When you inevitably fail at having the best Christmas ever, you will blame the people involved in making it less than perfect. For example, when I was eighteen I was convinced that I was being gifted the new Honda Pilot my dad had just bought "for my mother". My parents kept dropping clues like "you are going to have the keys to success" and "this will give you the drive to do well". And then the big day came and they presented me with the old family desktop, still plastered in "no fear" stickers that I thought were cool in the seventh grade. Then my parents had the nerve to pretend like they didn't know why I was angry, convincing themselves they had dropped great hints. (keys = keyboard; drive = hard drive) Get real! I was expecting to walk out into the driveway and find my new car wrapped in an obnoxiously large red ribbon - and since that didn't happen - I now hate you and this Christmas sucks!

So, I have compiled a list of a few things that you can do to make this holiday season just a little more tolerable:

1) Eggnog. Nog is the bomb dot com. Nuff said. 

2) Tobogganing. Nothing drowns out emotional stress quite like physical agony. So, aiming for trees is ideal. 

3) Mood lighting. Dimmer lights calm the senses, it also makes hiding in a dark corner slightly more attainable. 

4) Talking trash. No, not to each other. When things get heated, pick on someone outside the family. The Obama administration is always a by-and-large favorite in my family. When you channel all of your negative energy towards something else, you become a team, and there's no "I hate my family" in team. 

5) Balderdash. Have you ever played this board game? It's a game that has cards with definitions to words that no one knows. Everyone writes down what they think the real definition is, someone reads them all aloud and everyone else guesses which definition is the right one. Sound boring? It's not. For example, let's say the word is "acersecomic". The actual definition is "one who has never had a haircut", however, you do not know this, so you could write "a comedian that is not funny", and your spouse could write "I wish I was anywhere but here right now"... You know what? Don't play Balderdash.