The honeymoon is over. Your family has flown back to the motherland. The gifts have been opened, mocked, and the majority of them returned. You might think you know Man at this point...you don't. Something like 50 percent of all Manland recruits end up annulling their citizenship and fleeing the country. The more you understand how Married Man expresses himself, the better.
Sharing Living Quarters
Much like when your father would day "while you're under my roof, you'll follow my rules!", there are a few ground rules you need to abide by when living on Man's turf.
1) Do not put curtains on the windows, pillows on the sofa, or plants on the windowsill. If it wasn't there when you got there, don't bring it.
2) Do not listen to Man's answering machine messages when he is gone. You will inevitably hear something you wish you hadn't learned.
3) Any mysterious potions, lotions, or ointments you find in Man's bathroom are to be ignored. 'Don't ask, don't tell' will never be repealed from this scenario.
4) You can introduce new clothing to Man's wardrobe, but cannot throw out the old. Man has some unnatural attachment to pit-stained t-shirts, poop-streaked underwear, and jeans that are either 3 sizes too small or 3 sizes too big.
5) The climate in Man's home will always be too hot or too cold for you. Any attempt to adjust the thermostat to a temperature that balances your homeostasis will be met with contempt.
Married Man Manspeak
This is the means by which Man chooses to attempt to regain some of the power he feels he lost when you became a citizen. Understanding what Man is really saying might just give you two cuties a chance at making it to the Golden Years. Probably not. But worth a shot.
Man says: Anything you say, dear.
Translation: Please shut up.
Man says: I'll do the dishes.
Translation: I'll let Duke lick the dishes, then I'll put them back in the cupboard.
Man says: Of course I missed you!
Translation: You were gone?
Man says: Check it out..waxes at M.J. Capelli's are half off this month!
Translation: If you don't go get a wax, I'm taking a weed wacker to your upper lip.
Man says: Of course I used a glass.
Translation: That milk carton was so far down my throat, I considered giving you a tutorial, then realized you'd get mad about both.
Man says: No, your mother didn't call.
Translation: Your mother called and I answered in a Spanish accent so she thought she had the wrong number.
Domesticating Man
What Man Does: Doesn't flush the toilet.
How to Stop Him: Drop a tampon in the bowl.
What Man Does: Leaves dirty dishes in the sink.
How to Stop Him: Transfer them to his car.
What Man Does: Leaves dirty underwear on the couch.
How to Stop Him: Refuse to take yours off at all.
What Man Does: Tosses his wet towels on the bed.
How to Stop Him: Remove his towel from the bathroom while he is in the shower.
What Man Does: Uses the decorative kitchen towels to wipe his nose.
How to Stop Him: Use his collector's edition Joe Namath jersey to wipe yours.
What Man Does: Burps at the dinner table.
How to Stop Him: Burp during sex.
What Man Does: Uses your toothbrush to polish his shoes.
How to Stop Him: Use his to help fight Fido's gingivitis.
Fighting Married Man Manspeak
Man says: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Translation: I know exactly what you're talking about, but now you're going to get so mad that I said I had no idea that you're going to forget about what you were mad about before.
Man says: Is it your time of the month?
Translation: You're being a raving, lunatic bitch.
Man says: Let's make up.
Translation: Let's have sex.
Man says: (Nothing.)
Translation: I realize there is absolutely no way out of this, so I'm just going to stare at the wall and pray that a self-induced coma takes over my body.
Man says: I don't have to sit here and take this crap!
Translation: I have to sit here and take this crap, but if I say I don't, maybe you'll believe me.
Man says: Sit down and take a deep breath, sweetheart.
Translation: You're blocking the television.
Man says: You're just like your mother.
Translation: You're just like Satan.
Man says: You're not always right!
Translation: I have yet to ever catch you being wrong, but one of these days...
Man says: Stop bringing that up!
Translation: My gosh, do you ever forget anything!?
Man says: You're so cute when you're mad.
Translation: Bingo! You just grinned ear to ear and forgot about everything I was in the doghouse for! Now give me a schmooch and go make me a sandwich.
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