Just as a few fortunate vacationers will be privileged enough to see the elusive Loch Ness Monster while in Scotland, it is a rare but celebrated occasion when a Woman is invited to apply for citizenship in Manland. Congratulations female, you have assimilated yourself into one of the most evanescent cultures on the planet. But, (and there is always a but..), Man does not hand out an application for citizenship without an extensive background check. After all, he is about to forsake the purchase of a sports car to buy you that overpriced Tiffany's platinum princess cut 1.5 carat solitaire (hint, hint to my future monogynist!).
And so comes the Manland Naturalization Test - a clever system of investigative tactics man uses to see if you can, in fact, be incorporated into his society. This system of checks and balances is made up of a series of extensive oral exams (no, not the kind you're thinking) which can be difficult to pass - so if you really want your green card and that diamond - study up!
Oral Exam One
The Considering Popping the Question Pop Quiz
Man says: Would you like to browse through that extremely expensive jewelry store for a second?
Translation: Let's see if I can afford to marry you.
Suggested response: Why don't we go grab some wings and a beer and we can talk about our options.
Why it works: This shows Man that you expect him to demonstrate good taste and get you a really nice ring, but are willing to let him take his time in picking it out.
Man says: Are any of your girlfriends bisexual?
Translation: Are any of your girlfriends willing to have a threesome with us once this thing gets dull?
Suggested response: Some of them are, but only because they haven't figured out how to satisfy a man.
Why it works: This puts an end to Man's stupid little fantasy before it's even formulated, but does so without making you appear susceptible to jealous rages.
Man says: Seems like you're pretty close to your parents, huh?
Translation: What are the chances we'll be high up in their will?
Suggested response: Yes, incredibly close. And they've done so much for me with so little.
Why it works: This throws Man off the inheritance track. The less he knows about what he should stand to gain if you should get eaten by a grizzly bear, the better. Man should be marrying for love, not the house with the pool he might get if your parents kick the bucket.
Man says: Are you good with kids?
Translation: Do you want to have kids?
Suggested response: Any child born into a home with two loving parents will know he/she is loved.
Why it works: This reminds Man that parenting is a two person job.
Man says: I'd only want a prenup if you want a prenup.
Translation: Please, please, please say you want a prenup!
Suggested response: Yeah, it's probably be a good idea to protect that trust fund I have.
Why it works: This gently reminds Man that he may have more to lost than you!
Man says: Has your mom put on a bit of weight lately?
Translation: Do thunder thighs run in your family?
Suggested response: It's possible. Speaking of which, has your father's forehead expanded?
Why it works: If he wants to comment on every flaw that goes along with the aging process, then so can you!
Man says: How important are anniversaries to you?
Translation: Am I going to have to buy you jewelry every year?
Suggested response: About as important as blow jobs are to you.
Why it works: Man needs to know that marriage is a matter of give and take. You give him a wonderful unwritten experience, and take a Silpada shopping spree.
Man says: I bet there are gonna be nights when I should go out with the guys and give you a break, huh?
Translation: I need to get drunk off my butt at least once a week to escape your presence.
Suggested response: Absolutely, those are the nights I'll use to hangout with some of my exes.
Why it works: Man has a bad habit of believing he's the only one in need of a social outlet. He might just rethink that poker night if he realizes your history isn't all that historic.
Oral Exam Two
The Popping the Question Pop Quiz
Man says: Let's go someplace private.
Translation: I might change my mind and need a quick escape route.
Suggested response: Agreed, and somewhere well-lit so I can see what you have in that little box.
Why it works: Man isn't the only one who might change his mind at the last minute, if that ring isn't big enough, you're not stickin' around!
Man says: You really think that wedding gown looks good on you?
Translation: That dress is wayyyyy too expensive.
Suggested response: This is the only one I would consider wearing, honey.
Why it works: For Woman, her wedding day is the Manland equivalent of seeing the super bowl live. A lifelong dream being realized. So, just as Man wouldn't hesitate to spend more to get those fifty-yardliners, you'll be damned if you skimp on your dress.
Man says: Do you really have to spend so much time planning this wedding?
Translation: Ask me one more question about this stupid wedding and I'm going to kill myself.
Suggested response: You're right, I'll take care of everything. By the way, let's just cuddle on our honeymoon night, I'm going to be really exhausted.
Why it works: If Man doesn't consider the details of the most important day of your life worth discussing, then let Man know you're going to leave everything to chance.
Oral Exam Three
The Bachelor Party Pop Quiz
Man says: Is it all right if the boys and I hangout for a bit before the wedding tomorrow?
Translation: The boys and I are going to the strip clubs for lap dances. Then we're going to get drunk beyond comprehension, pick a bar fight or seven, and then hire hookers to do unspeakable acts on us.
Suggested response: Sure. I trust you.
Why it works: You are giving Man the space he needs, but reminding him that there are boundaries he needs to respect.
Man says: Can I borrow some singles for the vending machine?
Translation: I need singles to tip the strippers.
Suggested response: Sure! I'll go with you.
Why it works: Straight and to the point.
Man says: How does my hair look?
Translation: How will other women think my hair looks?
Suggested response: About as good as my boobs look.
Why it works: This reminds Man that you are a hot commodity yourself, and that his opinion isn't the only one that matters.
Man says: You know I'm not really into these silly bachelor parties at all, right?
Translation: I should get married more often!
Suggested response: Then don't go. I don't want to see you suffer unnecessarily, dear.
Why it works: Man needs to learn to be true to his word. And his marriage vows.
Man says: You believe me when I say I'm only going to have one beer, right?
Translation: I am going to have one beer...after those fourteen shots of tequila.
Suggested response: Just as much as you believe me when I say I'm on the pill.
Why it works: The more Man knows you will match his little games point for point, the less likely he is to cheat.
The Man Vows
Before these witnesses (most of whom I have never met), I vow to love you and care for you (unless you are puking, because that's just gross), as long as we both shall live (until you die or I get bored). I promise to help you when you need help (as long as you don't need help during baseball, football, hockey, or basketball season), and likewise, I promise to turn to you when I need help (like getting dressed in the morning because I still don't get the whole color coordination thing). I choose you as the person with which I will spend the rest of my God-given life (and if you end up getting fat or hairy in certain places, I hope that life is a short one). With this ring (that cost way too much), I thee wed.
The Woman Vows (This is your part, ditz!)
Before these witnesses (most of whom are my guests because I have way more friends than you do), I vow to love and care for you (unless you have erectile dysfunction), as long as we both shall live (until you die or I get bored). I promise to help you when you need help (as long as you put the dishes in the dishwasher and walk the dog when it's cold), and likewise, I promise to turn to you when I need help (touching up my roots). I choose you as the person with which I will spend the rest of my God-given life (and if you end up getting fat or going bald, I hope that life is a short one). With this ring (that isn't at all what I wanted), I thee wed.
Congratulations. And welcome to Manland.
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