National flower: Poison Ivy
National motto: "Huh?"
First settler: Adam
National threat: Woman
National ally: Dog
Natural resource: Gas
Population: Overpopulated
Average IQ: Depends on Man's sobriety
National dish: Pizza
National beverage: Beer
National sports: Anything that involves grunting, sweating, and broken limbs.
National tribal wear: Pit-stained T-shirt circa 1990, sweatpants that used to be gray, but are now light black, and sneakers that used to be white, but are now gray.
"The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff." - Britney Spears
A travel guide makes a trip to a foreign country, well, not so foreign. And amazingly, from South Africa to the North Pole, from Australia to some godforsaken dot on the globe called Tuvalu, there is a handbook out there for every exotic destination imaginable. Except one: the most frightening, mysterious, and dangerous country of all. Manland.
For centuries, women have been expected to navigate their way through the vexing jungle of the male species without so much as a compass to guide them. We have lost our minds trying to decipher the male heart, psyche, body language, and dating customs. Well, help is on the way, this blog series will demystify the testicle-bearing gender once and for all. No more over-analyzing EVERYTHING, ladies! You are about to learn what makes Man tick and what ticks Man off.
PACKING CHECKLIST:
1. Hand sanitizer
2. A case of Lysol
3. A yoga mat and whatever meditative mantra you employ when you feel yourself going insane
4. Extra strength Excedrin
5. Disposable toilet seat covers
6. A fully charged cell phone with 911, your shrink, and mother all on speed dial
7. Flats for when you need to make a quick escape, and high heels for when you're going for that whore look
MAN'S ORIGIN:
On the seventh day of the first week in history, God created the Garden of Eden. At first, the place wasn't much to look at, so God added some nice foliage, a couple of fluffy animals, a giant waterfall, a canyon, and a few rock formations here or there. But something was missing, there was not one to enjoy the garden (or trim the hedges). So God breathed life into Man, an odd-looking creature with a furry back and receding hairline. God named this creature "Adam", though truth be told, Adam actually looked more like a "Chuck". However, much to God's disappointment, Adam/Chuck didn't really do much once he was created. He just moped around in the garden day and night, muttering to himself because there was no cable television or Doritos. He refused to put on clothes, arguing that boxers didn't give him "enough support", and briefs made him feel "restricted". It wasn't long before God realized he had screwed up big time. Clearly, Adam/Chuck was incapable of functioning by himself. He was a body without a brain. Already feeling pangs of guilt for creating the completely illogical platypus, God removed a rib from Adam/Chuck and fashioned a new and improved version of Man: Woman. God named her "Eve", though truth be told, she looked more like a "Petula". He presented Eve/Petula to Adam/Chuck and he thought she was a hottie. Eve/Petula taught Adam/Chuck how to talk, think, turn a fig leaf into a haute couture, and reheat leftovers. She even managed to spruce up the Garden of Eden and it made the cover of "Only Home & Garden" magazine.
DEPARTURE:
For some insight before you get off the plane to Manland, verse yourself in some common phrases and their meanings:
That's very interesting = I have no idea what you just said because I wasn't listening
I'm close with my mother = I live with my mother
I'm an entrepreneur = I am unemployed
Let's take this slow = I'll count to three before I grab your left breast
I don't want to pressure you = I'm giving you five more minutes, then I'm outta here
I love you = I don't want to use a condom when we have sex
Let's keep the wedding small = Let's not invite your friends
I do = There's really no way to get out of it at this point
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