MANLAND: Mating Rituals

"Don't have sex, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them."

-Steve Martin

If you're not athletic and traveling to the Swiss Alps, you need a patient ski instructor lest you tumble to your death in a blizzard of white powder. You also have special needs while in Manland. And those needs come in the form of a light twitching sensation in your nether regions. This signifies your need to make mad passionate love with one of the locals. But, before exchanging bodily fluids with any of the natives, you have to do some research..

History of Manland Mating Rituals

The continent of Manland lays claim to one of the most plentiful populations in the world, boasting such a high ratio of citizens that it makes China look as vacant as the Bates Hotel in the off season. Manland's inhabitancy rate could not stop multiplying due to Man's ceaseless engagement in coitus. As a result, ancient Man operated on the belief that the way to ensure the staying power of Man's mankind was to constantly stick his hoo-hoo into Woman's hoo-ha. And so he did. And so the population boomed.

Eventually, Manland established their repuation as a world power, and the pressure to procreate was off. With the advent of condoms, the pill, and the vasectomy, Man discovered that coitus served an additional purpose: It felt darn good! Soon, sex in Manland was more for recreational purposes than anything, and that's why the rituals of Manland sex are more difficult for Woman to understand than Einstein's theory of relativity, or the movie "Inception". (The only thing I got out of that movie was the unyielding and resolute need to experience every single solitary sexual encounter known to man with Leonardo DiCaprio.)

Sexual Positions & What They Mean

One of the highlights of a voyage to Manland is to fornicate with a local. It is a badge of honor for a female tourist to come home having taken a pleasurable ride on the Manland train of love. Man uses sex very differently than Woman does. While those of us fortunate enough to be of the female gender tend to draw on sex to express deep feelings of appreciation for another, Man likes to have sex because, well, it feels good and it passes the time. Making sense of sexual positions is a useful tool while moseying about these alien environs in search of a memorable orgasm.

Doggy style/The Bone/The Fido/The Canus Retreat: Man wants to have sex, not necessarily with you.

Missionary/The Poke: Man wants to kiss you, and worries you are heavier than you look. Mark Zuckerberg's position of choice.

You on top/Corkscrew/Cowgirl: Man wants to give you the best orgasm of your life, but wants the option to tweak your nipples incase you take awhile. 

Reverse doggy style with you wearing a strap-on: Man is seriously questioning his sexuality.

You on your back on the kitchen table with your legs on Man's shoulders/The Dinner Bell: Man wants to be able to look in your eyes as he orgasms, then have a snack.

On the floor/The Sweep: Man's sheets are dirty..and now his floor's not.

You bent over Man's office desk/The Overtime: Man is "behind" on work, and has been watching too much Brazzers.

Against the wall, standing up, fully clothed/Custer's last stand: Man is overcome with desire and cannot wait.

Up against the wall/Squished Face: Man is horny and you have bad breath.

Precoital Manspeak

Man Says: Your hair smells terrific.

Translation: Good, she showered.

Man Says: I feel such a connection with you.

Translation: I feel the need to connect my penis with your vagina.

Man Says: I wear size 12 shoes.

Translation: I am hung like a Clydesdale.

Man Says: I haven't been with someone in a long time.

Translation: I haven't been with someone since yesterday.

Man Says: That is a beautiful necklace.

Translation: I can't stop looking at your boobies.

Man Says: Will you hand me that pillow?

Translation: Bonnnerrrrrr.

Man Says: I just want to lie here with you and feel you breathe. 

Translation: It's easier to undo your pants when you're laying horizontally.

Intercoital Manspeak

Man Says: I have carpal tunnel.

Translation: I can't get your bra off for the life of me.

Man Says: I don't really like blow jobs.

Translation: You have shark teeth.

Man Says: Excuse me for a minute.

Translation: Where did I put that pump thing I ordered online?

Man Says: Turn off the lights.

Translation: I have a hairy mole on my back I don't want you to see.

Man Says: Does this feel good?

Translation: Make some noise, woman!

Man Says: I like making love in the quiet of the night.

Translation: Shut the f*** up!

Man Says: I love you so much.

Translation: Omg, please swallow...please swallow.

Man Says: How do you feel about the national economy?

Translation: I'm going to come if I don't think about something else.

Man Says: Yes, yes, yes!

Translation: Yes, yes, yes!

Postcoital Manspeak

Man Says: That was amazing.

Translation: I was amazing.

Man Says: How do you feel about abortion?

Translation: Rubber broke.

Man Says: I have to work early in the morning.

Translation: You look like I need a drink.

Man Says: It's dangerous for a woman to overexert herself.

Translation: You've got to be kidding me, that's all I've got!

Man Says: That was incredible.

Translation: Anything I can stick my penis in is incredible.

Man Says: I'll call you.

Translation: I'll call you if I test positive for anything.