So you've toured all the sights, experienced Manland's cuisine, and even gotten to know the locals (some biblically). You've had your fill and cannot wait to get home! To clean, organized, febreeze-smelling, home! But oddly, as your trip draws to a close, you feel a lump in your throat, a skip in your heartbeat, a twitch in your nether regions... You chicky, have fallen in love!
Yes, despite Man's outlandish behavior, customs, rituals, belief systems, you want nothing more than to see this Man more. Date him. Well, this is really romantic, sweet cheeks, but there are a few things you should know before you postpone that flight back to the old country. Man tends to become quite a different person once Woman has infiltrated his world - he gains weight, demonstrates particularly offensive habits that weren't apparent a few days ago, and communicates in yet another series of Manspeak designed to confuse the heck out of you.
Not-Quite-Boyfriend Manspeak
Man says: My bed's too small to sleep two comfortably.
Translation: You know the rules: We have sex and you go home.
Man says: I don't want to get you sick.
Translation: I have another chick coming over in five minutes, so skidaddle!
Man says: Vacation? How about we just go somewhere for the day?
Translation: I can only handle you in small doses.
Man says: I'd love to meet your parents sometime!
Translation: I'm going to keep saying this until we break up or they die.
Man says: I'd let you drive, but my car's been making a funny noise.
Translation: You are NEVER going to get behind the wheel of my car.
Man says: I can't afford call waiting.
Translation: If I get call waiting, you'll ALWAYS be able to get a hold of me.
Man says: Want to stay at your place tonight?
Translation: I need to be able to leave when I want.
Man says: I don't think I'm going to be able to make it to your friend's wedding on Saturday.
Translation: I don't want you getting any ideas.
Man says: Hey, I'm just calling to tell you that you left your bobby pin at my place.
Translation: I miss you. (And I'm saving the other eleventy-two of them you left here for the next time I miss you but am too cool to admit it.)
Man says: Sorry, my medicine cabinet is really packed.
Translation: You are SO not leaving your toothbrush here.
Man says: Wow, you sure have a lot of stuff in that purse.
Translation: Good God, she packed enough stuff to stay for the next week.
Man says: My parents are dead.
Translation: My parents are alive and well and living in Wisconsin, but you're never going to meet them.
Break-Up Manspeak
Man says: We need to talk.
Translation: I need to talk and you need to listen.
Man says: It's not you, it's me.
Translation: Its you, not me.
Man says: There's no one else.
Translation: There's someone else.
Man says: I'm just not ready to commit.
Translation: Sex is getting boring.
Man says: You deserve better.
Translation: You deserve stronger-strength Midol.
Man says: I hate to do this so close to your birthday.
Translation: This is saving me soooooooooo much money.
Man says: I need to find myself.
Translation: I need to find myself naked with another woman.
Man says: I hope we can still be friends.
Translation: I have no intention of ever speaking to you again, but if I run into you I don't want you to slap me or pour your drink on me.
Man says: Call me if you need anything.
Translation: I'll be screening my calls.
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