MANLAND: Manspeak

More difficult to translate than Swahili. More impossible to understand than Mandarin Chinese. Manspeak...the language of Manland. Our inability to make sense of the muckety-muck that is Man's self-expression has launched opposing genders into myriad screaming matches in public, and been the cause of many an unnecessary  breakup. Not to mention a violent homicide or seven. These tips will teach you how to translate the most complex of Manspeak phrases into something sensible and intelligent, or in other words, Womanspeak.

Pronunciation
A = "Yay! Baywatch is on syndication!"
A = "Wanna smell my fart?"
A = "Hey, wanna pick up the tab?"
Au = "I like my muffler loud."
B = "Can I touch your butt?"
Ch = "Wow, that's a long hair on your chin."
D = "Are you, by chance, a 34DD?"
E = "I lost to my girlfriend in a bet."
F = "Mother f---er!"
G = "That chili dog gave me gas."
H = "You're a ho."
I = "I am all that is man."
Ji = "Gee, I dunno."
K = "Ick, I wish you had shaved."
L = "I love you...like a sister."
M = "I want my mommy."
N = "No doesn't really mean no, right?"
OO = "Can I touch your boob?"
O = "Oh, I've got a boner."
P = "I like to pee on white snow."
Q = "My q-tip is stuck in my ear."
R = "I have a rash on my genitals."
S = "Shhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"
Th = "You've got a nice ath" (Man has a lisp)
U = "Take off your underwear."
V = "Are you a virgin?"
W = "Wow, are those things real?"
Y = "I'm horny."
Z = "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.."

Dictionary
Ambition: Getting off the couch.
Anniversary: Oh shit..
Argument: To sit silently on the couch while Woman flaps her arms around in the air like a chicken , screaming and shouting her head off until the neighbors call the cops.
Attention Deficit Disorder: A pseudoclinical excuse for Man to not pay attention.
Be home soon: To be home within the next forty-eight hours.
Be romantic: To not burp or fart.
Beating off: The act of pleasuring oneself. See also: peeling the banana, choking the chicken, playing the skin flute, burping the worm, punchin' the munchkin.
Bro: Not, in fact, a relative, but an affectionate term Man uses for a pal with whom he obsesses over video games with and discusses masturbation, and Jessica Alba's physical attributes.
Cheating: Getting caught.
Clean (adjective): Anything that isn't moldy, toxic, or emitting a rancid smell.
Clean (verb): To wipe down with dirty water.
Clubbin': An activity in which Man dresses up in a ridiculous looking suit, puts on too much cologne, and attempts to dance in hopes of attracting the opposite gender.
Dog: A butt-ugly female.
Dawg: A cool dude.
Diet: Short periods occurring several times a year where Man puts less cheese on his food.
Drive Safely: To operate a motor vehicle with less than 3 beers in one's system.
Dying: To have the sniffles.
Eating out: The act of either performing oral sex on a woman, or calling for a pizza delivery. (Man enjoys both equally)
Foreplay: Anything that delays Man's orgasm.
Get laid: To have sex.
Get laid off: To have sex while unemployed.
Homo: Any other man that dresses well, changes his sheets, and cleans his bathroom on a regular basis.
Kickoff: The moment the world must stop.
Lesbian: Any woman who turns down Man's sexual advances.
Listening to some tunes: Blasting the radio so loud it shakes the walls of the houses in neighboring counties.
Milf: An attractive, older female with kids, whom Man desires to fornicate.
Old: Any female over the age of twenty-two.
Religious experience: Orgasm.
Remember: To forget until the last minute.
Safe sex: Any sexual encounter that doesn't result in a serious groin injury.
Shower: Splashing cologne under one's armpits.
Valentine's Day: Most annoying day of the year.
XXX: Best movies ever.
ZZZZZ: Man is asleep. DO NOT wake him.

Things Woman Must Never Say in Manland
"Who do you think you are!?"
"Your friend is cute."
"You'd never cheat on  me, right?"
"......or else!"
"I want to talk about my feelings."
"This time, I'm really serious."
"Wake up!"
"You should call your mother."
"How many beers have you had?"
"Do you think she's pretty?"
"Does this make me look fat?"
"Am I the best sex you've ever had?"
"Is it always that small?"
"You call that thoughtful?"
"I just want to be friends."
"Maybe you should try that Rogaine stuff?"
"I need you to cancel boys night out."
"It's either THEM or ME. YOU CHOOSE!"