Shopping
They say clothing makes the Man. Ahhh, but makes him what? Don't rush into buying your Manland souvenir - do some window shopping before you commit. The external appearance of a product can tell you a lot about what's inside. Take note of Man's wardrobe - particular items of clothing signify particular personality types.
Standard white button-up, blue tie, pleated slacks
This Man is successful in his business and has a job that provides great medical benefits, a promising stock portfolio, and access to powerful computer software. Sounds nice, but be forewarned - his preferred form of communication is sending you typo-filled text messages from his BlueBerry.
Tattered (I mean, destroyed) jeans and a Metallica T-shirt
This Man is a fun-loving nostalgic who lives life to the fullest and does not leave the house without hairspray. He sports an "f-you" attitude to anything he percieves as "the establishment". He is also half deaf and likely to make you listen to him play "Enter Sandman" on his guitar day in and day out.
Wrangler jeans, cowboy shirt, cowboy boots, cowboy hat (wooooof!)
This Man is a hard working cowboy with a chiseled body and unwavering respect for his forefathers. He can get you free Grade A beef anytime you want. Unfortunately, sometimes he gets a little lonely and slips some of his own "grade A beef" to the sheep.
Black pants, black coat, black Pilgrim hat
This Man is Amish. Sweet, honest, God-fearing, and can churn his own butter. Downside is that you'd better get used to being late beings he drives a horse and buggy.
Plaid pants hiked up above the naval, button-down three-quarter-sleeve shirt, thick rimmed black glasses, pocket protector
This Man is a geek. He can fix any computer problem you have and recite the entire Encyclopedia Brittanica verbatim. This Man does not have much experience with the female gender. Teaching him how to please a woman, both socially and physically, could take years.
Bermuda shorts, hawaiian shirt, flip flops, Rayban sunglasses
This Man is a laid back surfer dude that considers waking up by noon "being responsible". He will introduce you to the basics of Buddhism to help you find your inner peace, but it's worth noting that he is probably helping a lot of women find their "inner peace".
Designer tuxedo
This Man is a movie star. He plays poker with the likes of George Clooney and can fly you to Rome for dinner on his private jet. He can pamper you in his mansion and introduce you to all his famous friends. Perfect, right? Except you'll always wonder if that's his real nose.
Go green t-shirt, shorts made of recycled Charmin, and Birkenstocks
This Man is an environmentalist who wants to make the world a better place. Unfortunately for you, he will think nothing of dragging you to a third world country to build irrigation ditches and live in a straw hut with tribespeople who have giant elephant tusks rammed through their nose.
Pants hanging below the buttocks, Shaquille O'Neil jersey, 120 pounds of "bling" draped around the neck, impressive weapons arsenol hidden in the extra 20 yards of fabric on the legs of his jeans, Spankin' new Nike High Tops
Nuff said. Run for the wind.
Internet Shopping
Nowadays, thanks to the internet (that means you, Al Gore!), a tourist can also browse online for a Manland soulmate. But beware, window shopping in Manland cyberspace can be dangerous. Man likes to take advantage of the anonymity the internet provides to exaggerate the truth, or, fabricate it entirely. Clues to Man's genuine character are hidden in every self-promoting declaration he makes in cyberspace.
Man claims: My name is John.
Translation: My name is Hubert.
Man claims: I look for honesty, intelligence, and wit in a woman.
Translation: I look for big boobs, a tight butt, and rich parents in a woman.
Man claims: I'm a concert pianist.
Translation: I can play chopsticks.
Man claims: I'm successful.
Translation: I'm successful at flipping burgers at McDonald's.
Man claims: I love kids.
Translation: I love kids for 5 minute intervals, if an only if, they're not mine (or yours).
Man claims: I'm looking to settle down.
Translation: I might get terminally ill and need someone around to change my bedpan.
Man claims: I'm sensitive.
Translation: I can fake cry.
Man claims: I'm a republican.
Translation: I'm a giant turd.
Man claims: I'm a democrat.
Translation: I'm a douche sandwich.
Man claims: I'm a Liberal Republican.
Translation: I'm a giant gay turd.
Man claims: Jesus is my guide.
Translation: I went to Bible camp when I was growing up and the girls were hot so I kept going back.
Man claims: I'm a doctor.
Translation: I watch Grey's Anatomy.
Man claims: I'm recently single.
Translation: I've been single so long my genitals are starting to grow cobwebs.
Man claims: This is the first time I've tried online dating.
Translation: I've been doing this crap since I got addicted to MSN Whisper in the 7th grade.
Man claims: I'm a bit of a loner.
Translation: I'm a serial killer.
Man claims: I like women who are into sports.
Translation: I don't like fat women.
Man claims: I like a woman who does yoga.
Translation: I like a woman who can hold her ankles behind her ears.
Man claims: I'm in great shape.
Translation: I have all my appendages.
Man claims: I'm tall, dark, and handsome.
Translation: I'm 5'2", albino, and have a great radio face.
Man claims: I've got some really major business deals on the horizon.
Translation: I'm selling all my used DVD's on ebay.
Man claims: I've been traveling a lot lately.
Translation: I just escaped from prison. (And my name is Anthony, Casey Anthony)
Man claims: People tell me I look like a cross between Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp.
Translation: I have hair and eyes.
Pickup Lines
If online shopping isn't your cup of tea, there are a variety of products at the Manland bar. This is where Manland citizens of all shapes and sizes come to make flagrant and pathetic attempts to get laid. A woman in Manland may as well slather herself in chum and dive into shark-infested waters. If you are at a Manland bar, you are inevitably the target of every jackass in the room. Man will slither up to you as you sit perched on your bar stool and strike up a conversation. And here is born, Bar Manspeak:
Man says, or slurs as the case may be: Hi.
Translation: I want to have sex.
Man says/slurs: How are you?
Translation: I still want to have sex.
Man says/slurs: Is this seat taken?
Translation: I'm going to sit here either way.
Man says/slurs: Can I buy you a drink?
Translation: The more drunk you are, the easier this will be.
Man says/slurs: Do you live around here?
Translation: Sex on a bed would be so much better than in that bathroom stall over there, no?
Man says/slurs: You have beautiful eyes.
Translation: You have beautiful breasts.
Man says/slurs: Let's step outside for a minute.
Translation: I just spotted my ex across the room.
Man says/slurs: You can trust me.
Translation: You can't trust me.
Man says/slurs: I'm not like other guys.
Translation: The only thing distinguishing me from every other doofus in this bar is my social security number.
Man says/slurs: My apartment is being exterminated.
Translation: My girlfriend is home.
Responses to Cheesy Pickup Lines
When you find yourself the victim of unwanted advances from Man, use any of these responses to extricate yourself with immediacy and ease.
Jerk says: Is this seat taken?
You respond: No, and let's keep it that way.
Jerk says: I'll have whatever she's having.
You respond: I'm having a baby, thanks for offering to help out.
Jerk says: What's your sign?
You respond: (hold up your middle finger)
Jerk says: You have beautiful eyes.
You respond: All the better to see that you don't stand a chance in hell.
Jerk says: I want to get to know you better.
You respond: It's good to want things.
Jerk says: That silly thing? Nah, that's not a real wedding ring.
You respond? Funny - that's what your wife just said to that guy over there.
Jerk says: I think we have met somewhere before.
You respond: We have, and you failed miserably that time too.
Jerk says: I've got a hot tub back at my place.
You respond: Good, go drown yourself in it.
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