Location: The zoo.
What it means: I didn't shower this morning and I'm hoping the monkeys will upstage my own stink.
Location: The beach.
What it means: I really want to see what you look like in a bikini, and my feet need some serious exfoliation.
Location: The museum.
What it means: I want you to think of me as an intellectual, plus I like the statues of naked women in the "Ancient Athens" section.
Location: The local car show.
What it means: I totally forgot about the car show when I planned our date.
Location: Hiking in the mountains.
What it means: I like nature, and I love how easy it will be to lose you if we don't hit it off.
Location: Bowling.
What it means: I'm determined to stick my fingers in something tonight!
Location: Amusement park.
What it means: Vomit turns me on, and I can't wait to shell out 500 bucks to win you a 3 dollar stuffed animal.
Location: Rock concert.
What it means: I don't know what to talk to you about for three hours. Plus, I really like to get stoned.
Location: Dinner at his parents.
What it means: My parent's think I'm gay, and this will throw the scent off the trail.
Location: Apple picking.
What it means: I secretly despise Eve/Petula and blame your gender for the fall of Man.
Location: Movies.
What it means: If we don't end up making out, then at least I get some popcorn out of the deal.
Location: Ice skating.
What it means: It's romantic, traditional, and I'm a huge Celine Dion fan.
Location: A horror movie.
What it means: I'm hoping you'll be really scared and inadvertently hide your face in my crotch. "Hey, while you're down there..."
Location: A postage stamp expo.
What it means: I am the most boring man alive.
Movie Theater Body Language
1) Seats you both in the back of the theater: Man plans on making a pass at you.
2) Buys a chili dog at the concession stand: Man does not plan on making a pass at you.
3) Gets up repeatedly: That chili dog is not sitting well and Man has diarrhea.
4) Doesn't even stop for the concession stand: Man is poor and you are fat.
5) Yawns dramatically and rests his arm on the back of your chair/"The Move": Man is trying to cop a feel. (Oldest trick in the book but the idiots still do it.)
First Date Restaurants
Once Man has either charmed or horrified you with his first date choice of venue, he will inevitably suggest that you "get somethin' ta eat". Much like the Great White Shark, Man cannot survive more than an hour without shoving something, preferably something with extra cheese, in his pie hole. That being said, you can tell a lot about Man not only by the food he eats, but from the places at which he dines.
Location: Roadside hot dog stand.
Translation: I am a cheap bastard with a future of gastrointestinal problems to look forward to.
Location: Roadside hot dog stand with picnic tables.
Translation: I am a cheap bastard with a future of gastrointestinal problems to look forward to, but I still want to take the time to get to know you.
Location: Fast food restaurant.
Translation: I want to keep this date short.
Location: Fast food drive through window.
Translation: I want to keep this date REALLY short.
Location: An Olive Garden.
Translation: I'm connected to the Mob, and I really like unlimited salad and breadsticks.
Location: A 4-star restaurant.
Translation: I want to impress you, but if you order the lobster, don't be surprised if I don't return back after that trip to the restroom.
Location: Picnic at the park.
Translation: I think eating on a blanket with ants crawling all over us is romantic, and I chose a public venue in case you turn out to be a complete psycho.
Location: Cooks for you at his place.
Translation: I am a skilled chef and eating at my place makes it so much easier to get you into my bed.
First Date Manspeak
The difference between that beautiful necklace you brought back from Cabo, and the beautiful Man you are going to bring home from this trip is that the latter talks.
Man says: Sorry I'm late.
Translation: I had to creep your Facebook first to make sure you weren't a complete dog. (See "MANLAND: Manspeak" for definition)
Man says: Allow me..[to pull your chair out for you]
Translation: Let's get a little peekski at that bum.
Man says: Shellfish causes gout.
Translation: Don't you dare order the lobster.
Man says: Huh, funny. There are no prices on the menu.
Translation: F***.
Man says: My last girlfriend was too clingy.
Translation: I cheated on my last girlfriend. (Note: This small two-lined joke holds therein the key to most fights in relationships. Ladies, if he has ever cheated, FUCKING LEAVE!!! Don't stick around you dumb sluz! He. Will. Not. Change. Did you get that? Will not! Don't try to make him - you end up turning into a complete psycho! And also don't freak out at him for watching porn and going to the Northern once in awhile, that's not cheating! (unless you're married, different story) Pick your battles, there's a reason he's paying for that stuff - ever think maybe he just respects you? But what do I know, just my two cents.)
Man says: My hair's so short because I'm in the military.
Translation: I'm going bald.
Man says: I'm all for equal rights for women.
Translation: You're picking up the check, right?
Man says: I don't speak to any of my exes.
Translation: I chopped up all my exes into tiny pieces and hid their remains under the floorboards in my living room.
Man says: I only watch documentaries on television.
Translation: I'm addicted to Jersey Shore.
Man says: I'm straight.
Translation: I'm straight, but I watched Brokeback Mountain and it gave me a tingly sensation in my crotch that made me want to herd sheep in the mountains with a strapping young man that wears tight jeans and a ten-gallon hat.
Man says: What do you look for in a guy?
Translation: What parts of my personality should I conceal from you?
Man says: I got this scar in a bar fight.
Translation: I got this scar by walking into a door.
Man says: Let's have dessert.
Translation: You aren't half bad.
Man says: Check please.
Translation: Get me outta here!
Man says: Ahh, here comes the check.. ....
Translation: Let's see if she pulls out her wallet.
How To Turn Man Off
Not interested? Not a problem!
1) Shave your pubic hair to resemble the face of his mother.
2) Wear Old Spice.
3) Tell Man you REALLY want a baby.
4) Grow out your armpit hair and stop wearing deodorant.
5) Talk about your feelings.
6) Tell Man you have a headache. (wink, wink)
7) Put a framed photograph of your father in his Marines outfit on your nightstand.
8) Tell Man you're ovulating, allergic to latex, and off of the pill.
End Of Date Manspeak
Man says: We should do this again soon.
Translation: Let's do this tomorrow while I still remember your name.
Man says: Let me walk you to your door.
Translation: Let me walk you to your bedroom.
Man says: Want to watch a movie?
Translation: I'm sick of talking to you and I'm jonesing for some punanners.
Man says: Here's my number.
Translation: This is fake and I couldn't be more thrilled that this is over and I never have to hear from you again.
Man says: I'll drive you home, I insist.
Translation: This is a rental car and I want to take advantage of the unlimited miles.
Man says: Want a piece of gum?
Translation: I'm going to kiss you.
Man says: Can I come in for a second?
Translation: I have to pee like a race horse, and I'll bet your bathroom is cleaner than mine.
Man says: I had a really good time tonight.
Translation: You're not half as dull as you look!
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