So there's that.

Let's get one thing straight, America:  Miley Cyrus is not the problem.

I don't care how often she "twerks" or humps teddy bears or foam hands. The problem is not that she's a complete moron, the problem is that YOU are surprised by it, appalled by it, offended by it, and/or overcome with sympathy for her (which is the weirdest of them all, in my opinion).

I know this is so two weeks ago, but I heard a parent on Y94 today griping about how monumentally disappointed they are that their child's favorite role model would DARE act in such a way.

Check it out, people that are bent out of shape that Hannah Montana, your daughter's "role model" is grinding the groin of some giant stuffed bear and a dude who lyrically advocates rape (funny nobody is tweaked about him, eh?) - the only dumbass in this scenario is you. If you are relying on the media, makers of Honey Boo Boo and Jersey Shore, to provide role models for your children, I'm sorry but you're a lunatic.

If you are not teaching your children that American media is designed for one purpose and one purpose only - to sell things to the perpetually moronic - then can it about Miley Cyrus and get a clue.

She wanted publicity. She got publicity. It was wildly successful, we're all still talking about it aren't we?

Boom. Her job's done.

She is not responsible for acting in some way that encourages your daughter to use her brain or not rub her nose in the asses of stuffed bears. You, parents, are responsible for that. If you've raised a kid so backward that he or she can't watch the vapidity of that performance and say to himself or herself "what the hell is wrong with people?" then you have some work to do.

Why don't you teach your kid some critical thinking skills instead of whine about some stranger on stage?

In case you haven't noticed, the days where American mainstream media gave a shit about quality, message, or substance have disappeared like the majority of Miley's clothes and carbohydrates intake. You want your kid to watch art? Goodness? Substance?

Watch some Leave it to Beaver or Lassie. Better yet, take them to a freaking museum. Go outside. Do something. Do whatever you want. But please, for the love of all that is holy, stop looking to the media as a guiding light for your child and then acting all surprised when somebody masturbates with a foam finger.

And all you people attacking her, a 20-year-old barely woman, for acting like a slut/whore/whatever you want to call her, stick this in your pipe and smoke it: She can act however she damn well pleases.

You know you did the same when you were 20, only she's making millions of dollars whereas you made an ass out of yourself at frat parties and walked home in shame.

I digress. Sort of.

But seriously, why is she held up to some standard? She's a pop entertainer. She has a whole team behind her telling her what to and not to do. The pop entertainment world constitutes the standards against which she is held, and I think we all can agree those standards are LOW.

Her job is to make money by drawing attention to herself. You think she has ruined her career? COME ON. This merely piques our interest, the question everyone is asking themselves is "what is she going to do next?"

Jokes on us, folks.

She gets on stage and darts around like a tweaked out sex-addict squirrel with a broken tongue and weird hair and all of America responds on cue: The scandal! The shame! Not Hannah Montana! Center of the national spotlight! Screw Syria! Screw Egypt! Miley will ruin the world!

Hi, my name is Kalae, and I judge everybody.

So a few things have come up lately that have caused me to think about the whole concept of judging others.

Or, perhaps, not judging others.

People tend to say that a lot: "Don't judge."

Or "I don't judge." This is, in my opinion, one of the hugest piles of steaming bullshit around.

Most of the individuals who claim "not to judge" are some of the most judgmental people on the planet - they just keep it all inside - obsessed with the political correctness movement, wherein we all judge each other silently, but violently, and stand from our pedestal of righteousness and superiority since we refer to criminals as "unsavory characters", drug addicts as "chemically challenged", and lazy pieces of shit as "motivationally deficient".

Which are, in and of themselves, judgments.

Because as far as I can tell, there is no way to avoid judging others. It's like an auto-pilot reaction to life. I have been conditioned by my social,  economic, and cultural background to perceive the world in a certain way. I've developed black and white areas in my head distinguishing between right and wrong. educated or not, classy or not - the list continues.

I can't just THINK that shit away. I can't just erase them with positive self-talk and Oprah.

In my experience, the best thing to do with judgments is to admit they're there, face them directly, and focus on being as willing as possible to let them go should information that negates them comes my way and try to keep an open mind.

After giving it some thought, I think people that say "don't judge" really mean "don't condemn".

And that, I think, is some sound advice. If I reject people because they're doing something I don't agree with, I have entered the land of closed-mindedness and I am sure to stay swimming forever in a pool of my own judgments and hate.

I have all kinds of people in my life that do things that make me wonder if they have a mental disorder, but I freaking love them anyway. My love goes past my ego's need to judge them. I watch my judgement come up, maybe I say something, maybe I don't, but it's always about going back to loving them. There's more to a person than the one thing that REALLY irritates me. 

Hold onto that.


Unless that thing is really fucking BIG. Then we can't be friends. I'm not Mother Theresa, you know.

Some behavior needs to be judged. We have to use our brains to look critically at what this world is selling us. Someone can't just beat their child and have everyone think "oh, let's be open minded and support them in their beliefs".

So where to we draw the line? Everyone has their own interpretation of right and wrong, sure some are obvious, like child abuse, but on smaller-scale things like how to treat someone that's done you wrong...some would say "an eye for an eye" and others would say "turn the other cheek" - so which is right? They're completely opposite...is there a compromise?

For instance, Martin Luther King Jr. Was he not judging? Was he not taking a look at this society and analyzing it like a jeweler analyzes a diamond, assessing what is right and wrong. He judged, but he didn't condemn. And his love made him profoundly effective.

No, I am not comparing myself to MLK Jr. Um....that would be ridiculous. He changed our country. I say "fuck" a lot and complain about the weather.

But I do try in my own small, unimportant, slightly pathetic way, to say things honestly as I see them, to stand up for things that I believe to be true and right and real.

I've never had the gift of small talk or indirectness or beating around the proverbial bush. Consequently, I am really good at removing my foot from my mouth.

I am so used to being wrong it's not even funny.

But I still get worked up when others tell me I'm wrong, as my ego stomps it's foot, screaming obscenities from the corner of the room, and I write pissed off retaliatory blogs. I am childish, self-centered, egotistical, and shallow.

I am a person with judgments, and disasters, and failures, and tantrums.

I will let you down. I will contradict myself. I will walk out too soon and overstay my welcome. I will speak the wrong words.

I just hope you all can love me the same way I will strive to love all of you.

Significant Others

Living with your father at age 23 comes with its expediencies, as I live rent free and have a live-in caregiver when my immune system fails, as it usually does. Living with your father at age 23 and single, however, presents its complications, as he happens to meet any male caller I might have, or at least gather enough information by eavesdropping on my phone calls to girlfriends to ask questions about said male callers.

So, I bring a guy over to hang out. Everything goes really well until my dad comes out of his little man cave and starts asking questions about where he is from, what he does for a living, and his opinions on abortion. Going with the politically correct (and most likely never correct in the conservative Loudenslager household) answer he states, "I believe in a woman's right to choose, but I would be ready to be a father if we made a mistake". Then my father punched him in the face. Then I punched him in the face for practically revealing our frivolous acts of premarital sex. Then my brother punched him in the face for having sex with his sister. Then I had to break up with this guy because his nose was so disfigured that I didn't want to have sex with him anymore.

You can see how this is a problem.

If I have found a person that I want to spend an evening, let alone subsequent evenings with, that is an incredible feat. That's a lot of people to sift through. It's a lot of douche bags to go on dates with, come to my senses about, and reject. This is a tedious process, you see, especially since there is such an over abundance of douche bags. I mean, think how many people are in China, let alone the world. The exact number escapes me at the moment. Point being, I am doing well for myself, just as I'm sure my father did well for himself...you know Dad, when you landed yourself that date with Brenda Penderghast and would listen to jazz music, hold hands, and gaze into each others eyes in the back seat of your Model T. Therefore, it falls upon you, as a parent, to not muck up any chance at a relationship I've got. I do that well enough on my own, thank you very much.

I've had enough romantic Valentine's Day getaways to Napa that I've been told "I just don't believe in marriage". It showcases a certain type of idiocy on the boyfriend's part, because who doesn't "believe" in marriage? It's an age-old proven institution. It's not like the state of marriage is a unicorn and he doesn't believe in unicorns. Ironically enough, this guy just so happened to believe in unicorns, and although I came to terms with the marriage dispute, it was his fervent belief in unicorns that was ultimately our undoing.

Dad, if a guy is mistreating me, I give you full margin to act on my behalf. You have every right to cave in his ankles and torture him in a Misery-type scenario, staying true to the Kathy Bates character, except instead of saying "I'm your biggest fan", you can say "I'm going to fuck you up good", which will make him tremble in fear, in addition to the uncontrollable sobbing brought about by the caved in ankles. Also, if any significant other of mine is caught engaging in misuse of drugs, it would be appropriate to intervene and confiscate all of their drugs and drug paraphernalia and redistribute said paraphernalia to myself so that I may experience for myself their harmful effects.

When you meet my relatively normal,  nonabusive, non-drug addled significant other, you must exude friendliness. Alas, this is what I can see happening...

Dad: (shoving me out of the way upon my significant others entrance into our home, embracing him with a hug) "Welcome to our home! I hope it's something like the home you will share with my daughter in the near future!"

Significant Other: (politely laughing and disengaging himself from my father's firm grip) "Well, we've only gone on two dates, I don't know if we're thinking about moving in together."

Dad: "You had better not think about moving in with her if you're not married young man."

Me: "Please stop."

Significant Other's Inner Thoughts: This family is crazy, I am breaking up with her as soon as I can get out of here.

Dad: (stiffly extends his hand) "Nice to meet you, (significant other's name)."

Significant Other: "Nice to meet you too."

Dad: "I would offer you a chair, but I have no idea how long you two will be together."

Me: "That was rude."

Significant Other's Inner Thouhts: Yes, rude, but he is incredibly accurate, there's no way I am talking to her again once I leave.

I looked it up on the Internet just now and apparently the Chinese population is increasing by ten million people a year and will peak in the middle of the twenty-first century at about 1.6 billion.