This week....I am 22 and still sarcastic.

Everyone has that person in your life that annoys the crap out of them but they're not actually a big enough of a dick to call them out on it. Well, this week, my birthday week, I got the pleasure of "bitching" this buddy of mine out, if you will. My rule of thumb as a person...don't bitch. I am usually very mellow. In fact, so mellow my friends and family are more likely to be offended by something offensive that I just laughed my ass off at. I guess my first response is to just laugh -- who knows. It's probably because I was really bullied in junior high. Seriously, I was. The start of my freshman year my parents began to offer me 20 dollars for every day I successfully did my hair and managed to not wear an article of AndOne clothing. Not joking. I got picked before half the boys in gym class for dodgeball. You think this made me very many girlfriends? No. I am, however, proud to admit the girls in my class invited me over for a sleepover and had a burping contest that I refused to participate in because I thought it was "gross". Manners, bitches, manners. So who knows the origin of my instinct to laugh things off, but either way, this gem of a friend of mine really knocked it out of the park with a comment he made about my car accident and I went completely Casey Anthony on him. I felt like a segment of Jersey Shore. And now I feel so bad about it that I have to blogvent...blent...vent via blog.  Even though I was the one that very well should have been offended. Oh, the repercussions of being raised by kind parents. So if this one tiny incident caused me stress in my life and caused me to feel bad, I can't imagine how people who actually enjoy drama stay sane. No wonder all these people on reality TV act crazy...they ARE crazy.

On a happier note, I turned 22 on Saturday and even though I worked, it was a wonderful day full of birthday surprises and I felt incredibly special. I was struck by the love.

Yesterday, I helped a friend of mine grade midterm essay exams. Since when can't kids spell? I'm going to go back to school for my PhD in English Literature and start pulling jocks out of sports until they can successfully spell "basketball" and use it in a sentence. Oh, and as long as I live I'll never again be able to use the words "therefore", "clearly", and "significantly" ever again.

Clearly, I'm full of crap.

Speaking of full of crap, I want to be the inventor of the "Sarcasm Font" and patent that biz. Therefore, all the Section 8's that read my blog and get their panties all knotted up thinking I'm serious will have access to that fun little thing the rest of us call a "sense of humor".

Damnit. I also used "therefore". 

How To Get Unfriended On Facebook

I'm writing this post because I'm a bad person.

This list is not comprehensive. 

Now that we've cleared that up, let's get to it..

How to get unfriended on Facebook, or at least how to annoy the living shit out of people.

*Post more than five times a day. (Five + tweets a day is acceptable...Facebook, not so much.) If possible, give us a run-down of where you're going, especially if it involves running errands - that's really interesting stuff that people want to read: "Going to post office", "headed to the park!", "getting my nails done", "leaving work! TGIF". 

*Write about your cat. Sorry, but nobody gives a shit. If your cat dies, that's sad, you should post that. If your cat vomits on your face, that's interesting, and you should definitely post that. But if your cat is just cute and you feel like sharing, or it has feline behavioral problems (oh yeah, they exist), you should not write about that, I am pretty sure <1% of the population gives a corn puff, and to be honest, those aren't the best odds.

*Make a Facebook page for your pet. Your pet is not an actual human being, although I would support your cause because when I have a child I doggon' guarantee I'll leave it sitting outside for an hour on a leash with a bowl of water and a scratching post.

*Try to sound smart. Say profound stuff. Talk about your graduate degrees, impress us with your stunning intellect and piercing creativity by dropping quotes of obscure philosophers, and applying them to your daily life. Because we are impressed. Because everyone appreciates your insights. Fucktard.

*Post inspirational quotes and cute, happy little sayings about friendship, flowers, love, looking on the bright side, new doors opening, and feel-good crap. Use smiley faces and exclamation points. A lot! :D

*Play Farmville and send requests to people who don't play.

*Use your relationship status as a retaliatory tool against your partner. Perhaps you don't think we notice that you go from "in a relationship" to "single" 5-7 times a year. But we notice. We do. And every time we see it, we think you're an idiot and wish you'd figure your crap out once and for all so we can stop reading about it. 

*Post a lot of pictures of yourself. Make sure you're the only one in each photo. In each photo, make the exact same "I'm hot" face and show cleavage. Tilt your head down and slightly to the left. Have a small piece of hair fall strategically over one eye. Pout those lips. Look coy. Repeat.

*Post politically charged, highly controversial statements that trigger raging arguments between 300 idiots and their mothers on your status. Say things like "keep your laws out of my uterus", "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve", "Go Yankees!", and "I think breastfeeding in public should be a felony". 

*Whine. Tell us how much your life sucks. Go on and on about it. Lay it on thick. Include sad faces for some real sympathy. Use Facebook as a virtual, one-sided therapist. Don't bother changing things in your life since you're so unhappy. 

I must admit, I've put an adorable picture or 7 up of my puddy tat. Will you unfriend me? I hope not. Cause that would really hurt my feelings, and then I'd have to whine, and we all know how that goes...

HAPPY THURSDAY! 

LIVE EVERY MOMENT LIKE IT'S YOUR LAST! 

KISSES! XOXOX :D

Whiplash. And Stuff.

Since mention of my car accident seemed to cause a great deal of stress for some of you, I thought I'd take a moment to explain this before your blood pressure rises to unprecedented levels.

It was two weeks ago. The air was cold. And as I went to turn...[[unconsciousness]]

I got t-boned on my driver's side by a Ford Excursion. 

[[back to consciousness]] The next thing I remember was lying on a stretcher and staring up into the morning sky, thinking, "is this a dream? Why can't I feel my body? Crap. I'm about to die. Or maybe I did drugs? No, I'm dying. Here we go.." [[back to unconsciousness]]

I was in two car accidents over the last 3 months. The first one was my fault. The second one wasn't. Needless to say, I'm an irresponsible driver- I text, sing my heart out to the radio, pick my boogers at stop lights and eat them, etc. Alas, both car accidents happened when I wasn't under the influence (of Justin Bieber's latest hit) - so suffice it to say i'ts a little scary to get back on the road. Plus, my dad's really mad at me now and I'm stuck buying a car for myself and it will probably be a stick shift, which is a horrible idea considering I can hardly drive a lawn mower. 

[[back to consciousness]] I open my eyes, I'm in an ambulance with 6, possibly 7 very hot paramedics. 

Hot paramedics: "Do you have any pets?"

Me: "I have a Mr. Kitty."

Hot paramedics: "Uhmm...you were in an accident."

Me: "You're kidding!?!! Was it my fault? My dad is going to KILL ME!" [[back to unconsciousness]]

My doctor was a complete twatknuckle. (Again, with the Blogger dictionary, back OFF! I know it's not a real word!) I've never gone to medical school, but just to take a stab in the dark it's not the best idea for the first thing that comes out of your mouth when a patient is wheeled in to be "What was her time of death?" Uhh...I'm not dead asshole! Get this glass out of my face! So after I may or may not have scared him away, they brought in a nice lady that was actually useful and got all the glass out of my face and gave me unattractive, yet comfortable, hospital sweats (they had cut all my clothes off in the ambulance...yes, I was naked with a bunch of hot paramedics and failed to check off how I wish that would have gone down on my bucket list...dammit).

[[back to consciousness]] I awoke in the ICU wearing a neck brace, and...that's about it. Apparently I had been struck by a massive SUV on my driver side. The impact was so hard that it had caused me to get stuck in my vehicle and they called for the jaws of life to get me out. (It was at this point my EMT informed me that when I heard the phrase "jaws of life" I muttered something that sounded like "fuck that noise" and promptly kicked myself out of my drivers seat.) Oops. 

They discharged me with a major concussion, minor internal bleeding, and ointment for my face, which looked at the time like someone tried to make a human smoothie. I have healed up quite amazingly, the doctor said I was the luckiest girl he's ever seen. So I'm just happy to be here.

What doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger,

Enjoy the little things life has to offer, 

And NEVER take life for granted..

They also mentioned I might "feel a little sore tomorrow"...a little sore, you've got to be kidding me. It feels like I got hit by a truck - oh wait.....